Christmas

November 24th 1959; Recorded my Christmas single today! I felt it went surprisingly well, considering. I gave it a touch of the old "Johnny Ray's" during the vocals, when I put in a plaintive sob or two, but I feel this only added to the overall charm of the piece. The advertising photograph is a model of restraint, stark and pithy, yet warm and accessible. I sense this will open me up to a whole new audience, and I confidently predict big things for the tune, which will doubtless become a timeless Christmas classic! Maybe this will be the start of a tradition? I could become known as Mr. Christmas number 1!

Editor's Note: Chuffer's first Christmas release did not receive a single review in any music magazine of the time, and went largely unnoticed by the listening public. However, the following item is taken from the book Abysmal Musical Failures, printed in 1971. Under the heading, Chuffer Dandridge Misses By A Mile! it refers to the song "All I Want For Christmas Is A New Right Hand!" as "the first of many of Chuffer's "C-wristmas" singles. A chirpy sing-a-long number with the Ray Coniff Singers, which degenerates into maudlin tragedy as Chuffer breaks down in tears during the recording". Advertising campaign features a picture of Chuffer gazing forlornly into his empty sleeve. Reached No. 152 in the charts. Taken off during its only airing on The Light Programme.

November 30th 1961; I'm determined to try my hand at another Christmas record. I felt there were mitigating circumstances ultimately detrimental to my success last time. A lot of mitigating circumstances. I think I misjudged the mood of the time. This year I'm taking no chances. In order to give the public what they want, I mean to jump on the unrelenting juggernaut that is Dixieland Jazz. I might even grow a wispy beard. This time I know I'll get it right!

For some reason Drax's job as a store Santa wasn't quite the success he'd expected ..........

December 11th 1961; Recorded my new Christmas song today. It's called "Eleven Toes If You Count The Mistletoe, But Only Five Fingers, What With Having Just The One Hand, And All That!" A catchy hit if ever I heard one! I was also strangely moved by the lyrics. Although I was enough of a professional not to let it show! The band want to release an instrumental version of the tune as well. If I understand things correctly, I would not be featured on it, what with being lead vocalist, and all that. Don't waste yer time, lads, say I. Stick with "Chuffer" and scale the heights! I have a good feeling about this one!
Whoa Whoa Whoa !!

Now Chuffer knew what Dickie "Touch" Tingles meant when he said his sack sometimes weighed him down!

December 1st 1964; I'll chance a Christmas record this year, methinks! This year I want to make a record for the kiddies. They're what Christmas is all about. Besides, if that doesn't get me to number 1, nothing will! Recording a kiddies' Christmas favourite! I couldn't be more Christmassy if I had a Big Red Nose, and pulled a sleigh! Hey, that's an idea! This year, I don't foresee any problems! It's going to be a Happy Christmas for "Chuffer", The One-Handed Reindeer!" Brilliant!

Jagger got into the festive spirit while supplying backing vocals ....unfortunately it so muffled his voice that they became unrecognisable and many assumed they were recorded by Warren Beatty ......

Editor's Note: This release fared worse than any of the others. Described by "Chuffer" as "a warm inspiring Christmas fable for the kiddies!" in an interview in TeenBeat!, this record was immediately seized by the authorities upon release, and destroyed as being "potentially psychologically damaging to anyone under the age of fourteen, or to anyone recently involved in a serious accident." It is thought no copies survived. The advertising poster depicted "Chuffer", in a long black coat, showing his stump to a reindeer!

Publicity shot from one of Chuffer's many Christmas singles, showing him being dragged across a snowy roof by a runaway sleigh. Out of shot, Jack Dee as Santa's elf and Geri Halliwell as Trudi the Red-Haired Rein-Dear panic like fools.

Editor's Note: I'll Need Help With The Stuffing This Christmas, What With Having Just The One Hand, And All That!: Chuffer joined forces with Lena Zaveroni and Wizzard for this one. He sang Lead Vocals, while actually trying to stuff a turkey in the recording studio. It was after this that Roy Wood started wearing outrageous make-up to avoid being recognised. The accompanying Ad. is a forced perspective close-up of Chuffer's right wrist with him grimacing in the background!

Row Row Row .. There was nothing Chuffer liked more than taking a classic role and re-imagining it !

December 9th 1971; What a blinkin' right Royal coup! I'm dueting on my Christmas record this year with Barbara Windsor. Princess Babs herself! Royalty, sharing a mic with "Chuffer"! The Pearly Princess and The Prince of Puntabulosity! It's "Chuffer"-tastic!, to use both my new nickname and slogan from my new toilet-cleaner advert at once! Yikes! This is what I've longed for over the years! The Patronage of the House of Windsor! "Chuffer" Dandridge, Jester by Royal Appointment! The Royal Seal! I don't know if the seal will actually be performing on the record, but I'm sure it's very impressive! Imagine, a Royal Seal! It makes you right proud, don't it? The song itself, I have to say, is one of my very best ever, as befits a princess of the realm. I dare say this one will have to go straight to number 1, or the Tower of London will be very full this Christmas! 'Strewth! Not, of course, that the song doesn't merit such unconditional adoration on its own. It's a sparkling, witty souffle of a number based on a slavic lament for the dead. Her Royal Babsness insisted on having some input into the lyrics as well. I was so honoured! She says if I'll end each verse with words like "Lockers", "Dockers" "Rockers" and "Mockers" she'll improvise a witty spoken retort! Such talent, and to think she'll one day rule this land of ours, to boot! I don't know where she is in line to the Throne, but I wouldn't say it's far! You mark my words, this is the one I'll be remembered for!

Editor's Note: Unfortunately, it was. The song, I'll Never Pull A Cracker With Myself!, is a sparkling chirpy duet with Barbara Windsor, that soon descends into trite mawkish pathos when "Chuffer" takes the mic. Ad. portrayed "Chuffer" proffering his right wrist to a bevy of ambulance men, with a petulant expression.

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Awkward Silence ... Smudge Keppler's Christmas card in '71 was considered disturbing by many ....

November 30th 1972; It's time I did something for the young 'uns again! I'm determined my Christmas single this year will have an old fashioned gimmick that will entrance them! Something to show them how tawdry the current musical trends are, when compared to a born entertainer! Maybe a life size jigsaw of a haddock, or a transparency of Greenwich Observatory? Something, anyway. It'll come to me. I've also secured the talents of two of the most effulgent protagonists of modern music. I may engage them to do a "follow-up" album!

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Editor's Note: This plan never reached fulfilment. The single It's Hard To Write That Christmas Card To Someone Very Dear, What With Having Just The One Hand, And All That!: Was a duet with Petula Clark and Mott The Hoople! "Chuffer" insisted on tapping the lyrics out in Morse code on the microphone with his stump, while they sang, thinking it to be: "just the kind of gimmick the kids'll love!" Every copy sold was brought back because of the "faulty thumping noise". Ad. showed "Chuffer" proudly displaying his right wrist to a group of horrified children! As a point of interest, it has never been established whether the photographs "Chuffer" used to promote these records were actually taken in conjunction with an advertising campaign, or if they existed beforehand. A sizeable amount of similar material has been discovered since, which seem to suggest that Dandridge was under intense surveillance for the majority of his adult life, and also that he had access to the findings of these investigations himself.

December 12th 1973; Christmas single time! This is the one time of year I really enjoy, no matter what! It seems these records have become something of a tradition with me. I wish I could find my old diaries, to see how many of them I've recorded in the past. Hundreds, it seems like! This year I just picked a bands name at random, out of Spotlight. I hope they're good!

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Editor's Note: They were indeed. However, the finished record was no indication of their talent. The song, "You Can Keep Yer Plum Puddin', Just Gimme Me Hand Back!", was a duet with Noddy Holder and Slade. Just as the song was beginning, "Chuffer" caught sight of his right wrist's reflection in Noddy's mirrored hat. He began to wail inconsolably and continued for the duration of the song. And for four days afterwards. Despite extensive "plugging" on The Old Grey Whistle Test, the song received little airplay and could by no means be considered a "hit". The Ad. depicted "Chuffer", seemingly in great pain, with his right wrist caught in somebody's letterbox, while Julie Christie and Peter Purves stood by, convulsed with laughter!

A series of shots potraying Chuffer's performance of "You can keep yer Plum Pudding" on the "Old Grey". Bunty Beauchamp is seen as a backing vocalist who somehow gets trapped in a sack and has to be rescued by Chuffer. This disaster was said to be the inspiration for future performances by John Otway and Wild Willy Barrett .......

December 3rd 1983; My Christmas record this year will have an Environmental punch, if you'll pardon the pun, what with having just the one hand, and all that!

Editor's Note: "Chuffer's" song, a review of which is printed here from the New Musical Express, was universally slammed by every known environmental group. Two new groups came into being purely for the purpose of maligning Dandridge personally. Oh Santa, Save his Rainforests and Give me Back me Hand!: A duet with Sting, extolling the sentiment that an environment is not just for Christmas, while at the same time reinforcing the message that it's extremely difficult to care for the planet adequately when you don't have aright hand! Ad. featured "Chuffer" in Brazil, holding a sign, printed on recycled paper, saying: "At Least The Rainforests Will Grow Back!"

December 12th 1983; Whisked into The Organist's Alcove for a stiff one by Dickie "Touch" Tingles last night to celebrate his forthcoming Christmas LP: Dickie "Touch" Tingles and The Bwmdyddlo Male Voice Choir: Upstanding in Hymn! It's a follow up to his banned choral classic EP, Kneeling before the Organ! Dickie seems excited about it, but when doesn't he seem excited? I can't follow half of what he's on about at the best of times. I just tune in and out as it suits me, the same as with, well, everything else, really!

December 15th 1984; Christmas is a time for giving, as I'm sure I must've worked into the lyrics of many a Christmas song, if I'm worth me salt at all. My point being that I've been put in touch with a bloke who is to perform the musical honours on me latest Christmas single. His name is Mark something or other, and he's supposed to be pretty tasty on the guitar. When we were introduced, he said to me: "You may have heard of me, I'm in Dire Straits!" Well, lummee! I got a lump in me throat straight away. If that's the way he introduces himself, he must be in a right old state. I thought I'd heard it all in my years in the business, but that all but brought a tear to me eye! "Stick with me, son," I said. "I'll make you a star by the New Year!" Well, I felt I had to say something. We agreed on the recording date and he said he had to get back to Dire Straits there and then. What a miserable old whingebag! and he didn't even thank me for not charging him for the biccies, either! Still, I think the single might be a hit.

A live performance with Knopfler on "Channel" TV ... with Ray Cooper on percussion ... and Chuffer displaying his famous "left hand mic" ability ....

Editor's Note: It wasn't. The song I could've played the Guitar, God, if Ye'd left me with me Hand!: Was a duet with Mark Knopfler, with "Chuffer" at his most self-pitying, sulking every time Knopfler has a guitar solo, and quite audibly muttering: "Oh, it's so easy when you've got two hands, isn't it!" and "Ten fingered show-off !" all through the record. Ad. showed "Chuffer" trying to play the guitar with his stump, while Mark Knopfler looks on, embarrassed. The B-side, If Frost-bite takes my left hand, how will I wipe me bottom? became the highest selling Christmas record in Guernsey. Mark Knopfler subsequently published a two page apology to the music industry in general, in Time Out.

Chuffer's little known 60's Las Vegas Christmas Special was let down by some very unseasonal weather .

December 5th 1985; For my Christmas single this year, I think I'll take a leaf out of Bob Monkhouse's book. Though what he thought he was doing, getting all those stars to buy plasters and send them to Africa, I just don't know! I'd have given him a thick ear! Anyway, I have nothing but high hopes for my Christmas record. This could be the year!

Editor's Note: For his song Hand Aid: Do They Know I'm Handless?: "Chuffer" assembled his supergroup for this effort. Limahl, Nik Kamen, Brian and Michael, Bernie Flint, Melanie, Vicki Leandros, and Bonnie Langford. A veritable panoply of glittering stars prostituted their immense God-given talents to no avail. The record was reviled by the entertainment industry and "Chuffer was vilified in the world press. The ad. featured "Chuffer" pointing to a starving Ethiopian child, with the caption: "At Least he has Both his Hands!" It would be ten years before "Chuffer" Dandridge released another Christmas record!

December 11th 1991; No one's interested in my idea for a Christmas single this year ! I'm sure Strangeways has something to do with it, sitting amidst his gleaming porcelain fixtures, in his adobe-style office, spinning his web of deceit and flaunting his new image of an Androgynous utilitarian jumpsuit! Pshaw! There'll be a lot of disappointed kids-at-heart come Christmas morn !

When Chuffer heard he'd be flown into the store as Santa by helicopter, he somehow imagined he'd be in the helicopter!

December 1st 1995; Pulled out all the stops to get my new Christmas single, "I won't be wrapping presents this Christmas, what with only having one hand, and all that!" in the shops. I predict it'll be number 1 for Christmas. Take That, Take That!