The Weird and Wonderful World of

Smudge Keppler began his illustrious career in the arts by performing with Hedge Motherwell in a short-lived war-time comedy act. Motherwell and Keppler's two disparate stage personas and comedy styles just did not gel, even in wartime and only seemed to alienate the war weary. However, that said, they did leave behind a fascinating body of work. Their "Paper Goat accosted by predators in the Undergrowth" routine alone, while deemed by many of their peers, and Chuffer Dandridge in particular, not to have worked on many levels, is still years ahead of the "alternative" wave of fifty years later! However, for its day, their combined act was even more surreal and disjointed than Keppler's solo turn. It frightens most audiences and children are evacuated to Cornwall, rather than be let see it!

In 1945 Smudge performed with Chuffer dandridge as part of the "All-Stars". Smudge Keppler never forgot that show for as long as he lived. From the moment Dandridge danced on, in his fireman's uniform, and promised the audience "something of rare artistic beauty", Keppler felt decidedly uneasy. At the highpoint of the act, while Tufty Abernathy and Titch Kitchener did their "comedy Wrestling", and Keppler himself essayed an irreverent Bavarian folk-dance before a life-size photograph of a goose dressed as a gaucho, Dandridge struck. Racing on stage without any preamble, he turned an experimental prototype "high pressure" water cannon on the hapless Keppler at full strength. Bearing in mind the device was designed to combat enemy aircraft, the innovative funnyman didn't stand a chance ! The impact broke every bone in Keppler's body. The show was immediately stopped while he was rushed to hospital, despite Dandridge's repeated insistence that: "No, no! The Show must Go On! It's what he would have wanted! He's only wet! What a prima donna!" Smudge Keppler spent the six months following the accident submerged in an experimental sensory deprivation tank as a radical treatment for his extensive injuries. It was here he consolidated his already revolutionary ideas on comedy. He never regained his health and was confined to an orthopaedic rubber suit for the rest of his life. He never performed again. Although he became the writer & ideas man for the comedy team of Tufty and Titch he never forgave Chuffer Dandridge for blighting his career as a performer.

In 1952 Tufty Abernathy and Titch Kitchener's two man show "The Big Man in the Shadow of the Theatre", devised and written by Smudge Keppler received an award from the Belgian Peacock Breeders Union. Sadly it closed after two nights..

In 1960 Smudge Keppler's Oeuvre, "Loneliness is a Kettle!" received a bursary from the Staffordshire Geophysicists Canoeing Fellowship.

In 1962 Chuffer Dandridge inadvertently became part of one of Smudge Keppler's "art clinique" pieces when he stumbled across his newest work "JfK - BiG HeaD NosE BleeD SeE ThE ChildreN CrY", during it's debut performance on Tooting Common. Chuffer wrote in his diary - "It's the usual tosh, I'm afraid. Just the kind of thing I've come to expect from that rubber-plated looney. It consists, in the main, of Keppler staring straight ahead, wearing nothing but a black refuse sack, while Tufty and Titch wail mournfully in the background "Ich bin ein bin-liner. Ich bin ein bin-liner." So predictable !! I livened up the proceedings by shouting "Rubbish, rubbish !!", at every available moment. This drew shrieks of laughter from the assembled audience and tears from Keppler's staring eyes. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in ages. And all for free !! At the end of the show I heard that, notwithstanding today's dismal debut, the piece has been highly recommended by the "Fijian Plumbing and Cake Decorating Weekly", who have given it their "pick of the month", and sent Keppler a bronzed ball-cock inscribed with a promise that, should he ever visit Fiji, he will never hunger for marzipan !!I ask you !!!"

In 1964 Smudge Keppler's latest composition "I'm the Fly, I'm the Ointment!" was playing at The Barnstormer's Rest. It showcased Tufty Abernathy, Titch Kitchener, and a series of congratulatory telegrams from Spencer Tracy, assembled in the shape of a teenager, simulating the pursuit of an owl through the bowels of an abandoned railway station! Women loved it, apparently. It also received heartfelt accolades and a whittled rosewood plaque from the premier exponents of savate in the Benelux countries!

In 1968 Smudge opened up a pirate cinema! His new venture was beamed from a concealed bathysphere somewhere off the Cornish coast. He only showed one film, beamed up onto the clouds. It was a sad grainy, black-and-white home movie in which Tufty and Titch wander around Amsterdam on stilts, putting ocelots in hammocks, while oceanographers bicker in an underground cavern, in a bizarre modern interpretation of the popular Welsh current affairs programme "Y Dydd!" In recognition of this magnificent achievement The Parisian League of Taxi Drivers have made Smudge Keppler an honorary passenger for life.

In 1970 in his most audacious act of Avant Art yet, Smudge and his underlings, Tufty Abernathy and Titch Kitchener invaded Folkstone. They raised an army of trained haddock, with the help of a surly sheepdog, and placed the town under Martial Law ! In a statement to Ali Bongo, the only authority they were prepared to recognise, they said they felt compelled to take this course of action to emphasise the fact that "Martial Law" is an anagram of "Art Wail Mal". Under their new regime, anyone currently living in Folkstone called "Mal", or popularly known as "Mal", or having the nick-name "Mal" would be treated like a baron of yore. They would dine of French Hen and venison and parsnip, have freehold over their neighbour's wife, and drive horses where they would, without hindrance ! Smudge Keppler concluded that he and his cohorts would relinquish their hold over the town in four years, when their point had been sufficiently made. The combined might of the Armed Forces are standing by to deal with him and his immeasurable conceit !

The World was inestimably moved by Smudge Keppler's actions ! The French Foreign Legion and the Swiss Guards openly lauded Keppler's enterprise as the noblest example of artistic expression since the painting of the Sistine Chapel ! The British Army took all their clothes off and swayed rhythmically along the Folkstone borders, holding hands, with flowers in their rifles, refusing to take any action against Keppler! The House of Lords were moved to tears, and said this whole affair had made them feel like children again, and really think about things. Jimmy Saville went in and carried Keppler out of Folkstone in his arms, openly weeping. They were met by the Prime Minister, who thanked Keppler profusely for helping the country to see again. The criminal fraternity felt that his actions had given them a second chance in life, and bestowed upon him a wondrous car, the engine of which was made from the teeth of police informers !There was even talk of him getting a life peerage !

In 1989 Keppler's protege, Titch Kitchener, died ! He was 68 years of age. Smudge, and partner Tufty Abernathy were said to be devastated by the loss.

Kitchener's Eulogy was an unqualified success ! Tufty Abernathy carried Smudge Keppler on and played him like a guitar ! They got a standing ovation from the mourners. Keppler, Abernathy and Kitchener's remains were booked to appear to packed houses at the funeral home for the next three weeks, and then invited to take the show on the road to Metallurgists Conventions in the Lake District !The Cadre of Benign Costermongers* described the event as: "A worthy tribute to a moribund Mountebank... reminds us that the first three letters in "funeral" spell F-U-N !"Editor's Note: * As distinct from The Cadre of Macabre Costermongers, who of course are a totally different organisation.

Self-Portraitor

Smudge spent most of the 90's producing advertisements for TinselTownTingleToss before returning to the scene of his artistic triumph by working on Chuffer Dandridge's "memorial" service. It was directed and choreographed to tumultuous acclaim by Keppler, resplendent in his new nuclear powered virtual traction exo-costume prototype. A symbolic coffin full of kettles was carried around the abbey for the duration of the ceremony. The pallbearers were reputed to be taken from the cream of Show-Biz elite, but all wore velvet cowls and boiler-suits, in order to maintain their anonymity and forestall the envy of their peers, in this time of loss. Tufty Abernathy slithered up the aisle, his belly pressed close to the ground, dragging Smudge Keppler behind in a golf cart, to read the eulogy. This allocution, devised by Keppler, consisted of one hour of silence, a second hour where he shouted the word "Hat" at the audience at random intervals and invited them to respond, and a third hour, during which he hurled indiscriminate adjectives with varying inflexion, at the congregation, while watching them intently.

Everyone present later said they felt Keppler was looking directly at them the whole while. The service concluded when Tufty Abernathy solemnly placed the symbolic coffin full of kettles on the golf cart, tethered Smudge Keppler to the end of it and ran around the abbey with it, flying Keppler like a kite!

If all this is a little too weird for you, why don't you go running back like a little girl to Dandridge's site.

The Weird and Wonderful World of

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