This site is dedicated to the writings of Oriel Talmadge, a man whose journalistic integrity and mastery of the English language cannot be denied. His most passionate writings were reserved for reviews of Chuffer Dandridge and his heinous works, and the creators of this site have reprinted some of these reviews here. Talmadge, a peripatetic chicken-butcher by trade, became an arts critic in response to Dandridge's creative output, which he seemed to despise. It was a calling to which he was particularly ill-suited, by virtue of both intellect and temperament.

On a legal note, the site authors must point out that the opinions expressed here are exclusively those of Oriel Talmadge and we can take no responsibility for any hurt caused by their representation. However the site owners feel that Mr Talmadge was probably quite accurate in his portrayal of Mr Dandridge's inability to entertain even the lowest-minded of cretinous moron.

In November of 1954 Oriel Talmadge reviewed Chuffer Dandridge's newest work - "Big Gyroscopic Cat". It was the begining of Oriel's hate/hate relationship with Dandridge's works. It was reviewed in a sporadic arts publication of the day, the Camberwell Battledrum. This initial article was the beginning of a career-long animosity between the two men. The review is printed here in its entirety -

"Chuffer Dandridge's new "Big Gyroscopic Cat" act is the biggest load of tat I've ever clapped eyes on in all my days! It's tripe of the first water, and Dandridge should be made pay for the whole audience to go on holidays, and clean their toilets, to make up for it! It's unmitigated bolloxology from start to finish! Complete and utter bolloxology! In my Dad's day, a man would've been horse-whipped through three shires for daring to exhibit such a shabby farrago of dastardly shite! I hope the bastard never works again. If he ever comes 'round my house, I'll sow his knees to his chin, that'll give him pause for thought!"

This next review, by Oriel Talmadge, was in response to Dandridge's 1955 film, Nightboat to Arbroath. Taken from Vicar & Hair Oil Monthly, the review is printed in its entirety -

"Is nowhere safe? There must be laws. Teddy boys are the tip of the iceberg, and not the answer! I close my eyes!"

 

J'Accuse

Oriel Talmadge on the stage show, "Chuffer's Chats and Chipmunks!"-

"Bolloxology! That's the only word to even come close to describing "Chuffer" Dandridge's latest in a long line of insipid oratorical mewlings, which, for reasons best known to himself, he sees fit to continue to foist on an undeserving public. Utter, unmitigated, unrelenting bolloxology! Dandridge himself is no more than an abject bolloxologist, and I renounce him as such! He has no place on the modern stage, and should be prohibited from even attending any form of live entertainment, and people should have to go around scrubbing all traces of him away, in a perfect world! If I were cursed with a freakish, unfeasibly long arm, and a big, big hand, I'd sit in the back row of the theatre, and slap Dandridge from one end of the stage to the other! That'd give him pause for thought!"

Mr Talmadge reviewed Dandridge's TV show "Rating the Toppings", in his short lived "Uncle Oriel" advice column in the Tunbridge Wells Tattler -

"Rating the Toppings? Rating the Toppings? Abysmal ratings disaster, plummeting right off the chart, because of the involvement of that blunder-fumbling botch-shambler Dandridge, more like! Dandridge, the talentless dregs of the light entertainment barrel in human form, is now being broadcast directly into people's homes! There surely is exiguous cause for such a monstrous affront to the decorum of viewers through out our land! We surely warrant a totalitarian tyranny of Television, by a government that cares, to protect our fair domiciles from such as this! Dandridge's raughty jeremiads and ignominious fulminations, as totally devoid of any humorous content as they are intended to be jocose, deserve only the unqualified reprehension of the entire polity !Were my natural inclinations given full sway, I'd gouge his cheeks out, and fill the holes with lime! I'd pummel his lips to pulp and pull his favourite jumpers out of shape !If God were a woman, I'd woo Her and use my influence o'er Her heart to have Her kneel on him !"

 

Talmadge limbers up to give Chuffer another critical mauling

From Oriel's review of "Gorillas in Our Midst" which aired in 1981 -

"If Entertainment is a sumptuous banquet for the senses, of lush fruits in spiced syrup and television itself the glittering crystal tureen from which it is served upon the burnished bronze platter of our expectations, why does that foul beast Dandridge forever burst forth and vomit over our family hearth? He, in his latest venture, is as detestably vile as ever, but I must say he seems to have found his niche at long last! He now disports himself in grotesque choreography, while two creatures, the like of which I've never seen before, who best resemble something from a milkman's nightmare, grapple and fling him with in a vicious frenzy of wild abandon! I re-wound the video again and again, each time relishing his plight all the more. I don't know if it's Art, but I like it! I must say Dandridge's co-stars are a revelation to these tired eyes. I predict these creatures are the future of entertainment, and possibly the only way that one-hour photography and the church can ever be reconciled! Their natural grace, ease of movement and unselfconscious demeanour reveal Dandridge for the talentless purveyor of stomach-churning dross he always has been! These creatures are like Jimmy Tarbuck at the speed of light. If I'm any judge of public demand, I urge you not to miss their live performances! They should wave Dandridge's twisted, rattling corpse aloft, to herald the dawn of a new age in entertainment, and continue to feature him in their act, 'til naught but his fetid dust remains! That'd give him pause for thought! This review was taken from the audio tape "Learn to Swim the Talmadge Way Vol. 8".

From Oriel's review of "It's a Chuff, Chuff, Chuffer's world", 1988. As always, the illustrious Oriel Talmadge was on hand to deliver his verdict of Dandridge's work, this time by tapping into a Chinese communications satellite, and disrupting Shipping forecasts ! His critique, printed here for the first time, is as tersely cogent as ever -

"Dandridge's new offering, "It's a Chuff, Chuff, Chuffer's World!" is the usual obloquatious rigmarole that makes one wish that audiences were equipped with blowpipes and poison darts ! Maybe he'll take the wretched thing on tour to more exotic climes !He should be closed down! He should be Hanged by the Neck until I'm satisfied, and all his effects destroyed !"It's a Chuff, Chuff, Chuffer's World is a Rot Rot Rotten Show! Dandridge should be thrown to a pack of wild boars, see how far he'd get with his Baritone Yodelling then ! That'd give him pause for thought !"

Oriel even went as far as reviewing Chuffer's "memorial" service . Although the service was generally agreed to be a success (by critics blinded by low sentiment), the only dissenting opinion regarding the memorial service was heard from Oriel, who scant hours after the ceremony had finished, had beaten the following message into the passenger door of the Bishop of Canterbury's car with a chisel -

" A meagre memorial for a perfidious performer, a vile sham for a foul star. How fitting that such an incondite dramaturgic routinier as Dandridge, infamous and reviled for the amphigorical confabulation which he tried to pass off as talent, should be honoured with such a meretricious display of old guff! I laughed and threw up, that was my apt salvo! The bastard Dandridge's body wasn't even there! They don't really know if he's dead or not! If they'd ever let me get my hands on him they'd have had no doubts!"

He never wrote again.

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