The Chuffer Dandridge Diaries -
Chuffer's Wogan E-Mails January 2007
To view more Wogan e-mails please use the dropdown list below to chose a month
05/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Reality Radio Star,
I've seen this new Celebrity Big Brother
and I don't think they're celebrities
at all and I'll be very surprised
if any of them is even a big brother!
Dirk Benedict might have been on the
A-Team once, but now he's definitely
on the C-List! And if Ken Russell
had an ounce of show-biz sawdust in
his veins he'd change his first name
to Jack and work up an act where he'd
run round a stage, chasing people
and barking! In fact I'll be surprised
if they don't do something like that
in the show! This whole reality telly
lark is just an excuse to fill up
airtime with cheap tat and take the
food from the mouths of deserving
all-round entertainers. Imagine what
I'd do with 4 hours a night on Channel
4? We'd see some sacred cows milked
then! Only a complete poltroon would
watch Big Brother or be familiar with
any of its gimmicks!
Having made my revulsion for and indignation
at the whole format quite clear, and
without wishing to weaken my argument
in the slightest, can I just say ;
Cleo Rocas -Va-Va-Va-Voom and Phwoarrrrr!
She can come to my diary room and
feed my chickens any time. They're
both euphemisms for slap and tickle,
in case I've left you in any doubt!
I don't have a diary room or keep
any sort of domestic fowl. Make that
clear to your listeners.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
08/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Velvet-Voiced Veteran,
I know you've been racking your brain
to come up with your own reality tv
format like "Just The Two Of
Us Celebrity Big Soapstar Superstars!"
to re-ignite your fading star. Well,
I think I've come up with just the
job! You know how you play a selection
of tunes on your Workers Playtime
radio show? Well, how about if you
go on the telly each night and sing
those same songs live? It's got legs!
You could play songs by Van Morrison,
Westlife and Madeline Peru (I never
knew she was South American!) in the
morning and sing those same songs
at night in front of the usual panel
of judges comprised of a borderline
gay one, a glamorous diva, a borderline
psychopathic one and a Jackson brother.
People could text in and press their
red buttons at home. No, I don't understand
it either, but apparently it's very
necessary. The show could be called
something catchy, like "The Song
Remains The Same!" or "This
Song was on the Radio this morning
sung by professionals and now it's
being sung on telly by a fame-hungry
Numpty!" And of course you'd
need a suave, debonair presenter.
I'll do it for a reasonable fee. I'm
at a loose end now that Panto season's
winding down. Let me know when we
start in the studio.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
09/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Downed Flying Ace,
I hear two of the Celebrity Big Brothers
have gone over the wall? Well, that's
more like it! Give the Bosch What
For, eh? I could go in as the Escape
Officer and help them dig tunnels.
Get them all out, make suits out of
blankets and forge travel papers.
It reminds me of some film. Was it
The Italian Job? I watched all of
Soapstar Superstar and couldn't work
out which of them was the one armed
lesbian. I think I used to drink in
a pub of that name years ago in Crouch
End!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
11/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Vainglorious Vocalists,
I was unceremoniously disrupted by
your weather and travel journalist
Boggy yesterday, when he interrupted
your reading of my business plan with
his so-called "travel news"!
I don't believe he reads real travel
news out at all, I think it's just
a series of vocal exercises to amuse
the arty Uckfield set!
I was talking about a new item of
underwear which Boggy could model,
called Thong-Johns. They would be
tailored to his individual style,
a cross between longjohns and a lap-dancer's
eyepatch! I envisage a series of ads,
where Boggy, festooned in the Thong-Johns,
pouts beardily down from billboards
and hoardings throughout the nation,
driving women wild. The ads would
have slogans. In one Boggy could wear
the garment back to front, with the
flap at the front and the slogan would
be "Flip My Flap, Ladies!"
Other slogans could be "Pretend
I'm a radio: twiddle my buttons and
turn me on!" or perhaps Boggy
could peer out from behind a chamois
leather to the simple legend "Buff
My Gusset!"?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
12/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Soft Boiled Scotch Eggs,
Did I hear Boggy mention my two old
chums Erskine Bridge and Clyde Tunnel
yesterday? They billed themselves
as Over and Under, The Highland Low
Lifes! They did a marvellous act where
Erskine used his kilt as a bullfighter's
cape and Clyde chased him round the
stage bellowing in the manner of a
Aberdeen Angus. Rumour has it their
home life was much the same! They
had a smashing finalé, where
they tossed their cabers, ate a whole
haggis and jingled "Donald, Where's
Yuir Troosers?" with the change
in their sporrans. But the twist was
-neither of them were remotely Scottish!
Bridge was a Manx Methodist and Tunnel
was a Haitian prince. Just goes to
show what you can do when you put
your mind to it!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
15/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Gravel-Toned Guru,
You have your finger on the pulse
of Show-Biz, have seen all the fads,
crazes and cults come and go, like
the Bay City Rollers, The Krankies
and Mike and Bernie Winters -and you've
interviewed David Icke, so how long
do you reckon it will be before Posh
and Becks sign up to Scientology and
discover their inner Thetan, like
Tom and Katie, or Tom-Kat, as the
tabloids so charmingly call them?
10 per cent of 128 million is a nice
bit of petty cash in any planet's
lingo, so I'd say the followers of
Ming the Merciless, or whatever they
are, will be waiting for them as soon
as they touch down in La-La Land!
I was approached to start my own religion
once. Well, I was on the short list
to produce Blake's 7. It's the same
thing!
Cheery Pip and NaNu NaNu,
Chuffer Dandridge
16/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Loose-Limbed Lip-Synchers,
I was delighted to hear you rehearse
your ventriloquism act on the radio
yesterday. Just one small point, my
name is Chuffer Dandridge, not Chucker.
So your act still needs a bit of work.
F sounds are difficult to do on the
radio, I know. Although I suppose
I should be satisfied that you managed
the "C-h" sound at the start
of the word, or then where would we
be? Your vent's dummy, Chunky the
Wolv'rampton Weatherboy sounds a right
character! Like Jimmy Krankie channelling
Amy Turtle! Cheeky but ponderous with
it, in a Black Country drawl! To improve
your vent's technique, practice this
phrase, beloved of ventriloquists
the world over. and see if it helps:
"I Rattled Me Bottles In Rollocks's
Yard!" It separates the men from
the boys, or more accurately, those
who present radio shows from those
who get cancelled!
I must add that I'm pleased that you
acknowledge that my quest for a white
fiver is every bit as serious as being
owed a drink by a tight-fisted second
lead on the morning news! There are
few things more serious!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
P.S. I didn't move my lips at all
writing this! I hope you don't while
you're reading it!
17/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Award Winning Warbler,
So Dame Helen Mirren got her Golden
Globes out again, eh? She's a stunner
and the best Principal Boy I ever
worked with! So she won a couple of
gongs for playing a couple of queens?
My old chum Dickie "Touch"
Tingles would be well in if that's
all it takes. He used to do a smashing
drag act. You'd swear he was the real
deal. He ran afoul of the authorities
for using a snatch of Gracie Fields
live on stage. I think it was a copyright
issue. Anyway, if Helen won with a
pair of queens, who had the aces?
I heard you and Deadly singing a BeeGees
song in the style of Minnie Bannister
and Henry Crun yesterday. It's like
Variety never went away.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
18/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Golden Globe-Trotter,
You may be interested to know I've
inherited a novelty act from my old
chum Squiffy Heatheringay. The act
consists of a small donkey and a collection
of fruit and vegetables. But try as
I might, I just cannot think of any
punchlines, jokes or patter to do
with a small cute ass, a lovely juicy
pear, an alarmingly large cucumber
and a couple of oversized plums! Perhaps
your other listener could suggest
something, otherwise I'm thinking
of quitting the business in disgust!
I'll have to take you to task over
Dame Helen Mirren winning awards for
starring in sequels, Elizabeth I and
Elizabeth II. What about poor Sylvester
Stallone? He starred in loads of films
about that leaden-tongued boxer chap.
What did he get? What about Basil
Rathbone? He starred in 14 films about
Eamonn Holmes and you never see him
in anything anymore, you never see
either of them! So get involved and
sort it out. Show-Biz needs an Ombudsman
like you!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
19/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Plummy-Voweled Pip Jockeys,
I tuned into the 8:50 travel news
to hear both you and Deadly enunciating
in your best RP accents and I thought:
"That's the stuff to give 'em!
The Beeb is back!" Much better
than the usual obscurely rustic vocal
stylings that you both use! When I
heard you both speaking prawporly,
I proclaimed "There's a job for
me at the BBC again after all these
years!" Then I read the gen about
the licence fee and realised you wouldn't
be able to pay me, so you can stick
your announcing position up your cummerbund!
I have a phone to sit by.
May I also say that all the talk yesterday
about Beryl Ann Boyd's corset and
Deadly's roll-on rolling off made
this old thespian very frisky. I went
out for my morning constitutional
and goosed every lollipop lady I saw.
They beat me around the road with
their lollipop signs like I was the
ball in a giant game of ping pong.
The game was a draw in the end, so
I'm going back this morning for the
replay of the finals. Wish me luck!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
22/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Super-Sized Sibling,
People are saying Big Brother has
turned a bit serious this time around,
and rightly so. That shower of bullies
should be ashamed of themselves. Utterly
disgraceful conduct. Time was when
I wouldn't have minded having some
intimate rehearsals with that S-Club
popsie, but not any more. I've gone
right off her. But to say the show
is entirely without humour, I mean,
have you heard that Geordie announcer
chap trying to pronounce the name
"Dirk"? Priceless. Pure
comedy gold. Other than that though,
the show is terrible.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
23/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Media Maestro,
You might have missed me, I was on
a show with Russell Brand on some
satellite channel the other night!
(You can tell he's Jo's brother, they
have the same hair!) Blimey, he don't
half talk fast! And antiquated, Guv'nor.
'e sounds like Dot Cotton doin' a
one woman show on Charles Dickens,
so 'e do, if'n it please yer Honour,
an' no mistake! But he's quite rude
about trouser matters. In an effort
to appear trendy and appeal to the
ASBO/ iPod crowd (and to get a word
in!) I quipped "You can press
your red button now, Russell!"
Well, you should've seen what he did!
They had to cut to a commercial break!
I haven't seen the like since Dickie
"Touch" Tingles re-enacted
the D-Day Landings in the back of
a general's staff car on V.E.Day!
He's very keen on military history,
is Dickie! Or is it just uniforms?
Anyway, I had a point to all this,
what was it? Oh yes, If Russell Brand
ever does Panto, I'm finished!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
24/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Mystery Voice,
I have a bit of a situation that I
hope you can help me with. I've been
offered the lead in a new detective
series on telly, but I can't help
feeling the premise is a bit familiar.
I'm to play an Irish DJ called Harry
Hogan who presents a mid-morning breakfast
show and eats prodigiously -he's a
sort of cross between Frank Cannon,
Frank Carson and Eddie Shoestring!
His listeners all write in with the
solutions to any mysteries he's working
on, while he eats for England and
dispenses pithy aphorisms. I think
it all sounds a bit unrealistic, if
you want my opinion. But I can't figure
out where it seems familiar from,
or even who to base the characterisation
on? Have you any suggestions on how
I should play it? If I turn it down
I believe Ant and Dec are going to
do it in a fat suit! I hear Rula Lenska
is up for the role of the producer,
Marilyn Lloyd. Do you think I should
take the gig? I could make DJs popular
again.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
25/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Feted Fan Favourite,
I see you were interviewed this week
in that magazine about global warming,
Heat! Good for you. Reduce your carbon
shoe size, or whatever it is. You
were dissing the charmless woodeners
that now present tv shows, (well,
they have to find something for the
original cast of Thunderbirds to do).
But I noticed you named no names.
Well, I'm at that age where I can't
remember names either! But I know
who you mean. There's the one with
the regional accent and the insincere
smile, 45 going on 20, well that's
about ten of them actually, the one
with the radioactive tan and Eamonn
Holmes. You did well to rail against
and dismiss them. Poltroons and parvenus.
You had well-deserved high praise
for Russell Brand. I have trouble
telling the pair of you apart, you
know, with your thin as a rake jack-a-dandy
figures!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
26/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Wintry Warm-Up Man,
I was delighted to hear dear Fran
finally come up with a catch phrase
yesterday: "That looks warm!"
If she needs a straight man to try
it out on, I'm only too willing to
oblige. She can use it to advertise
anything from soup to orthopaedic
underwear. That's a good night in
for most of your listeners!
I was also delighted to hear you talk
about the rather large leading men's
trousers in 1940s films which moved
independently of the actual movements
of the actors legs! They were actually
known as Dandridge Bags, in honour
of my performance in "A Smile
in my Hip Pocket!" where my trousers
solved the mystery and got the girl.
My old chum Dickie "Touch"
Tingles popularised a style of underwear
know as the Naval Flag. When they
were at half mast, they were always
sure of an Admiral's salute!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
29/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Sounds in their Sixties,
I know your show has a star, a sort
of cross between the late Sir Harry
Secombe and Pierce Brosnan, a co-star
in dear old Boggy, sort of Nigel Bruce
meets Adam Ant, and a producer in
Barrel Hands Boyd, but what it doesn't
have, and what it sorely needs, is
a director. And I humbly offer my
services. You need someone to rein
in your sombre excesses and lift the
thing with a touch of the theatrical.
I'll give you an example: when eating
on the radio, you need comedy sound
effects! You almost got it right last
week with your choking sound effects
when you were eating the 21 inch snorker,
and Fran's baps, but you recovered
far too quickly to be believable!
So let's hear lots of squelching when
mentioning mangoes, bagpipes when
discussing porridge and the old trumpet
voluntary when anticipating a curry!
And above all, keep it real!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
30/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Radio Rep Company,
I'm delighted you seem so eager that
I come on to your show as director.
I was a little nervous you'd resent
the offer when I made it yesterday!
So I was in your studio last night,
blocking it out for today's show.
Hope you noticed. As I was leaving
I found myself in the lift with what
I thought was a cracking popsie. An
arctic blonde in a puce velvet tunic
and turquoise sequinned leggings and
a pink denim shoulder bag, barefoot
with the daintiest little painted
toes you ever did see. Imagine my
shock when it turned out to be Boggy
Marsh! It's an easy mistake to make.
With his Principal Boy-like figure
he's a credit to men's corsetry! If
I'm the director of your show, I'll
soon knock that lark out of him! I
expect you all in leotards, tights
and plimsolls for tomorrow morning's
rehearsals at 3:00am. We'll be doing
a bit of improv and some vocal exercises:
"Hip Bath, Hip Bath, Hip Bath!",
Grave News, My Lord!" and "Who
Has My White Fiver? Who Has My White
Fiver?" That last one isn't a
vocal exercise, it's just something
I'll be asking every one! And I won't
brook any diva-like tantrums or hissy
fits from Boggy. And tell him to take
the curlers out of his beard for the
actual show!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
31/01/07
What
Ho Me Old Big-Boned Bodice Ripper,
I heard Sarah Kennedy yesterday come
over all of a flutter when she mentioned
Daniel Radcliffe's shirtless torso!
Well, you open your shirt cuffs, roll
up your sleeves and give her a thrill!
I also heard BBC journalists could
be on strike, so if Boggy can't do
the show, you know where I am!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
If you want to share your thoughts on Chuffer and his friends,
or suggest other sites that we could make links to,
Click on the pictures below for links to more information on Chuffer's contemporaries.
