The Chuffer Dandridge Diaries -
Chuffer's Wogan E-Mails September 2008
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01/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Cuisine Loving Quiz Master,
I see you still have not come up with
a slogan or catchphrase for your telly
quiz show? Well, have you ever considered
using Lohn John Silver's motto from
"Treasure Island"? "Here's
to ourselves and hold your luff, plenty
of prizes and plenty of duff"
To luff, as Barnacle Boggy will no
doubt tell you, is to sail close to
the wind, without your sail flapping.
Good advice for any contestant. I
once played Long John Silver in a
BBC production of Anne of Green Gables
in the 60s. An unfortunate mix up
in location filming schedules. I just
walked into a scene and got on with
it! The Beeb made an announcement
blaming the whole thing on atmospheric
distortion. But for months afterwards
they locked their studio doors for
fear that I would walk in on a play
as an inappropriate character. Watch
any production of the time and you
can discern a certain unease in the
actors any time a door opens suddenly!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
02/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Velvet Voiced Vicar,
Smashing to hear you've landed the
Snogs of Praise gig according to the
papers, (and they're never wrong!).
It'll bring back memories of Jess
Yeats, seeing you sitting there, proudly
twiddling at the old organ in your
moleskins! Religious broadcasting
could be just the ticket to ease you
out of Show-Biz. It saw Sir Harry
Secombe out, after all!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
03/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Nautical Numpties,
I notice nobody thought to ask if
Boggy still has a squeaky rudder?
It's as if no one cares! Well, fear
not, I could have a solution. Has
he tried lubricating his hawes-hole?
You know, the hole where the anchor
chain runs through? That might do
it! And on a more serious topic, have
you listened again to your show on
the BBC i-player? Wake Up to Wogan,
it says. 8:30 am. And it has your
new publicity picture. The one that
makes you look like you're standing
with one leg in a hole. I've heard
of a lop-sided grin, but really!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
04/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Top Notch Thespians,
Did I hear your Comely Cymru Carriad
mention my old mucker Lumbertubs Way
yesterday? He was a character. He
was a foppish retired newsreader who
bought a yacht and hired himself out
as a jobbing actor in assorted radio
campery. They say his accent varied
so much in any one production that
it was like hearing snatches of numerous
voices as someone tuned in an old
radio! You wouldn't get anyone like
that nowadays.
May I congratulate Boggy Guilgud on
his tour of the regions by accent
yesterday? My Breton cap is off to
him! A bravura performance that rivals
anything in Blake's 7 or Top Gear!
Never have I heard such character
development. The character seemed
to change and evolve word by word.
He's a true star. He has the vocal
range to do crowd scenes, you know.
And might I also praise young Lynn
for her vocal restraint in wavering
between 2 accents only. Can anyone
name them? And of course the spirited
cameo by Barrowlands Boyd was for
some the highlight. Not for me, but
I'm sure for some. A cross between
Finlay Currie and Molly Weir. He could
tour with an act like that! Your bit
was good too. But it should have been
me. I'd have worn a car coat. Get
the costume right and you can bin
the script!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
22/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Welsh Wizards,
Did Lynn see that new Welsh show "Merlin"
(is that her full first name) on Saturday?
It's the story of Merlin and King
Arthur for the Smallville and Hollyoaks
crowd. They're both feisty teens in
it. Saturday's show was very exciting.
The villain was lovely Eve Myles from
Torchwood, playing the country's most
famous singer, who was revealed to
be an evil, murderous crone when she
looked in a mirror! Bit of a harsh
judgement on Dame Shirley Bassey,
if you ask me, but there you are!
No mention of your castles yet, but
there are 12 more episodes to go.
I notice you're not in the latest
Radio 2 telly ad. It's all the young
crowd...and Jonathan Ross. They must
have done it while you were on your
hols?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
23/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Fleet Footed Foxtrotters,
Listen, with all this talk about Strictly
Come Dancing, could you "text"
your mate Deadly and ask him the truth
about Bruno Tonioli (real name Bradley
Thistlethwaite)? Is it true that when
he arrives in t' studio he throws
off his flat cap. undoes his bicycle
clips to let the ferrets out of his
trousers and shouts across to Len
Goodman: " 'ow do, Gaffer!"
Then he does his Chico Marx act on
camera! And Arlene Phillips has a
naughty twinkle...and sometimes a
cheeky gleam in her eye as well! That
reporter was wrong, there's no smut
in this show, there's just robust
banter!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
or maybe I should call myself Cesare
Dandini?
25/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Cuisine Loving Quiz Master,
So your TV quiz show is "on hiatus",
eh? Could they not get Johnnie Walker
to stand in? Is it because you didn't
come up with a slogan or catchphrase
on the show? Well, did you ever consider
using Lohn John Silver's motto from
"Treasure Island"? "Here's
to ourselves and hold your luff, plenty
of prizes and plenty of duff"
To luff, as Barnacle Boggy will no
doubt tell you, is to sail close to
the wind, without your sail flapping.
Good advice for any contestant. I
once played Long John Silver in a
BBC production of Anne of Green Gables
in the 60s. An unfortunate mix up
in location filming schedules. I just
walked into a scene and got on with
it! The Beeb made an announcement
blaming the whole thing on atmospheric
distortion. But for months afterwards
they locked their studio doors for
fear that I would walk in on a play
as an inappropriate character. Watch
any production of the time and you
can discern a certain unease in the
actors any time a door opens suddenly!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
26/09/08
What
Ho Me Owd Flower,
Did I hear you say you say that you
and Barrowlands had to run leads up
to Yorkshire last night to do today's
show? I thought the BBC had gone wireless
years ago? Although I could be wrong.
You probably did it on bikes? Well
it worked. The reception is much clearer!
You might as well stay there.
If you see Bruno Tonioli (real name
Bill Tufnell) up there, pet his whippet
for me!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
29/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Weathered Wonders,
I was amazed and delighted to hear
Lynn break off from her litany of
motoring weather conditions on Friday
to mention my old music hall chum
Mister Fog-Patches! He was a unique
performer (that's what they say when
he's not actually up to much!). He
had an act involving playing tunes
on a steam iron. He could play "A
Foggy Day in London Town" and
"Misty". At least that's
what he said he was doing. He basically
just unleashed a load of steam into
the theatre while shouting to the
audience: "Sing along, you lot!"
All he really did was cause all the
ladies hair to go frizzy and get all
the wrinkles out of the clothes worn
by the first three rows! It was hard
to know where to put him on the bill.
If he came on too early the acts following
him had to perform through a veritable
pea-souper! I recall one such act
with a female opera singer and a shortish
man playing a trombone which went
awry in the fog and nearly got the
the theatre closed down! Still, Mister
Fog-Patches did have his admirers.
One young lady got a front row seat
to all his performances. Ended up
with a beautiful complexion! Dame
Footlights is a mild dermal abrasive!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
30/09/08
What
Ho Me Old Embittered Entertainer,
Can I just complain about your brusque
and brutal treatment of Barrowlands
yesterday? You said he was feted and
applauded in Leeds (I know, that doesn't
take much!) like a star and carried
shoulder high, his saunsie face aglow!
Then when he gets back to London,
what happens? He's dumped back in
the chorus, like a prole, always the
understudy! Well, I won't stand for
it! He should be treated like a star
amid tumultuous applause, with a bouquet
and a cold collation waiting in his
dressing room! And he should insist
on the best of everything and throw
his script down in a fit of pique,
screaming: "I can't say these
lines! I'm an artiste!" That
sort of behaviour really lets people
know who's boss. I should know. It
got me sacked 5 or 6 times! You should
at least whoop at Barrowlands, like
they do on the Steve Wright Show.....they
don't do it at him though, just in
general.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
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