The Chuffer Dandridge Diaries -
Chuffer's Wogan E-Mails October 2008
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01/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Soft Shoe Shuffler,
I've just heard that Ant and Dec were
voted off in Strictly Come Dancing
last Sunday! Did they dance with Gillian
Taylforth standing on each other's
shoulders? Because they're not exactly
basketball players, are they? I'm
sure they started out as two of Ken
Dodd's Diddymen, Dickie Mint and Harry
Cott! What? Oh, Anton Du Beke was
voted off? You mean now there are
three of them that people won't be
able to tell apart? I remember when
there were six: Ant, Dec, Anton Du
Beke, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
02/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Film Fans of the Formerly
Famous,
Did I hear your Cardiff Cracker (I'd
pull 'er!) mention my old mucker Marston
Mortain yesterday? What a great actor,
he could play the lot, from drunken
Germans to tipsy Teutons! His speciality
was going from a stiff legged goose
step to an inebriated lurch, quicker
than you could count "Ein, zwei,
drei" in countless old war films
like "Lederhosen in der Luftwaffe!",
"The Drunken Dumbkopf that Lost
the War" and " Big Hans
and Little Willy" He finished
his career playing comedy "mine
host" types, serving drink behind
the bar in Ealing comedies. Watch
him carefully in any film and you'll
notice he looks more and more drunk
each time the camera pans back to
him, until he's invariably replaced
by another actor altogether as the
scene ends. You can sometimes spot
him later in the film, hugging people
in crowd scenes, singing loudly at
inappropriate moments and seeming
to wave playfully at the camera. that's
real acting! He wasn't German at all
though. Reared in the Isle of Dogs.
And they say the camera never lies!?
Dame Footlights is a sozzled trollop!
So were most of my leading ladies!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
Ps: Tell Barrowlands that comedy headwear
on the radio is a real winner!
03/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Merry Japesters,
Very impressed to hear that you and
Lynn recorded some bogus sat nav messages
as a prank for the unwary motorist!
Is this what happened to Boggy in
Pitlochrie on that dark and fateful
day?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
06/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Sausage Nosher,
I was delighted to hear you recall
that fine old German comedy double
act, Big Hans and Little Villy on
Friday's show. They were a smashing
act that made much of the comic disparity
between their two sizes! They only
had to stand side by side for audiences
to laugh, but that's German cinema
for you! As the famed German film
producer Otto Bahn said "Vhen
you haff Big Hans it makes Liddle
Villy look smaller! You are having
the similar effect mit your Englander
acts like Denis Healy und Michael
Foot, Ray Allen und Lord Charles und
Oliver und Beryl Reid!"
You don't know if the Beeb still makes
Seaside Special, do you? They could
use me!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
07/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Replacement Hip Gyraters,
How wonderful to hear those two smouldering
icons of beefcake (I'm allowed to
say that, I'm in the theatre!) Tom
Jones and Alan Dedicoat on the show
yesterday. How could you tell them
apart? They're so similar in lots
of ways. One speaks with a Welsh burr
tempered by years of living in the
USA and the other speaks with a Brummie
twang unfettered by years of working
at the BBC! Then women of a certain
age throw their knickers at Tom while
Deadly's a load of old pants! But
has Tom ever sung karaoke on the Johnnie
Walker Breakfast Show? I didn't think
so! No, he has to make "records"
to get his voice heard! We could all
do that! I think we know who comes
out of it the winner!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
08/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Square Peg in a Comfy Chair,
Now, you know me; I'm one of the old
cordouroy & Brylcreem brigade,
steeped in the lore and trained in
the method, so I know my way around
a studio, and can appreciate a good
idea for a show. But I ask you: What's
Hole in the Wall supposed to be about?!
I'd prefer a hole in the schedule!
Who's it for? Who came up with the
idea? Was there a surplus of old sets
from It's a Knock Out and a need to
cater for an audience of sex fetishists?
Why are the contestants dressed as
participants in the 3 Man Bob? Or
is that how people dress around Dale
Winton? Now admittedly I missed the
first episode. Would it make the other
episodes easier to understand if I'd
seen it? Did I miss the set up?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
09/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Saintly Secret Agent,
I'm very pleased that Sir Roger Moore's
autobiog is out. It's called"My
Word is my Bond" and I'm fairly
sure I'll feature in about 14 chapters.
I well remember meeting Sir Rog for
the first time at a cocktail party
in 1970. We were wearing identical
crimpelene safari suits and Cuban
heel boots! We hit it off immediately
and both noticed an absolutely stunning
girl with a lovely pair of Dame May
Whitty's ..earrings! We started
doing a Wilson, Kepple and Betty sand
dance routiine and ended up singing
"Three Little Maids from School"
from The Mikado! They don't throw
parties like that any more! Sir Rog
might also recall I played one of
the lesser known Maverick brothers,
Bolton Maverick, the Lancashire one,
in his tv show, but I think we were
in different episodes? Best of luck
to him with the book. I'm available
to do any book signings that he can't
attend!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
10/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Well Fed Food Fanciers,
Did I hear Lynn mention that fabulous
double act Great Yarmouth and Stacey
Arms yesterday? It's about time! He
was a sleight of hand Johnnie with
a face like stewed prunes and she
was a female weight lifter with biceps
like boiled hams! Wartime audiences
would look at them and feel they'd
had a balanced meal but not much entertainment!
The act was one for a discerning audience:
She continually lifted him over her
head as he did a succession of weave
shuffles and card tricks. Their best
trick was him building a house of
cards on her Marcel wave as she squat-thrusted
him into air to the the tune of "The
Flight of the Bumblebee" But
the highlight of the act was when
he pulled a straight flush from her
decolotage and she punched him in
the mush! Thanks for the offer of
the jacket potato yesterday. I could
make one last a week in weekly Rep!
And tell Deadly that eating an eclair
on radio is a dying art. He's one
of the old school! I once worked with
a coreographer called Marmite Rusks.
Tell Chris Evans to stay well away
from him!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
13/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Food Critic,
I was watching a bit of telly over
the weekend. They don't do a close
down any more, did you know?! I saw
Sir Roger Moore on your protegé
Jonathan Ross's show. (How come your
protegé has a telly show and
you don't?) They got Sir Rog a big
pork pie for his birthday! And d'you
know if ever proof were needed that
Sir Rog worked in weekly rep, there
it was! I've never seen anyone look
so happy at the appearance of a meat
pie! Sometimes if one appeared in
the second act of a play it was all
a struggling thesp had to eat for
the evening! "Always get me into
a play with a dinner scene!"
I told my agent. Even if I wasn't
in that scene, my character could
drop in for a quick bite! I'd often
turn up as a copper, interrogate a
suspect at home and eat his dinner.
That was where kitchen sink drama
got its name, as I'd also do the washing
up!
I also saw Jo Brand tell the Wheelbarrow
joke. Does this mean she's throwing
her hat in the ring to replace you?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
14/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Hysterical Horticulturalists,
Can I say how much I enjoyed your
low-key, naturalistic homage to Day
of the Triffids yesterday!Fake news
broadcasts about Japanese Knotweed,
or Gippy Kneed Nose Wheezes, or something,
eaten by rampaging insects! Very Orson
Welles! But what a marvelous production!
Every line spot on, every character
perfect, from "Knitwear"
Nove's doomsaying news reader, Lissome
Lynn's plucky WREN and your own disbelieving
boffin, in the style of old Quatermass!
And the McGuffin you chose for your
story "Japanese Knotweed"
indeed and a super insect that eats
it That'll take peoples minds off
the Carrot Crunch, or whatever it
is! And did I hear Lynn mention my
old chum Bootle Oriel in the cast?
I missed him, what part did he do?
Was he the knock kneed Japanese insect
expert? He'd be good at that.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
ps: Keep me in mind if you're doing
a sequel. I do a great "death
by nettle" scene!
15/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Theatre Critic,
Well, you all had your fun at my expense
yesterday, "Oh don't have Chuffer
for the sequel, He'll overact and
pirhouette in a velvet cravat!"
Me? Overact? Nay, say I and thrice
woe betide any who gainsay me! I am
the soul of minimalism and naturalistic
comportment . I'm not a fellow for
florid flourishes, I speak the argot
of the street and am understood by
the man on the Clapham Omnibus! Cop
this lot: "Quinquireme of Nineveh,
from distant Ophir, with a cargo of
ivory and and apes, peacocks, sandalwood,
cedar wood and sweet white wine".
"What's Hecuba to him, or he
to Hecuba?" You see, all I'm
short of is a hoodie and an ipod (what
are they, by the way?), I'm not at
all theatrical. I love these opportunities
to puncture the popular image of me
as a pouting velvet draped luvvie
in a big cloak, swishing round the
Groucho! By the way, can you advise
me how to get greasepaint stains out
of a big cloak? Mine's in a horrid
state, and hair oil is no friend to
the fur collar!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
16/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Fifth Beatle,
I was appalled to hear of the unreasonable
demands being made on Ringo Starr
or Rin Tin Tin, or whoever it is,
by people looking for his autograph.
So I think I have a solution. As Paul
MacCartney was rumoured to have done
some of the drumming on the Beatles'
records instead of Gringo, why not
get him to pull his weight and do
some of the autographs for him now?
Then everyone's happy. Fleecey Glove,
Fleecey Glove, or whatever his catchphrase
is!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
Ps: I was the 18th Beatle, after George
Martin, Norman Collier and Charlie
Carroli.
17/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Movers and Shakers,
Your Blodwyn and Jock double act for
the travel spot is as good as ever
it was. They're as good as Brucie
and Tess Daly! Lynn, with her trainspotter
headlines, or whatever they are, makes
me feel like I'm stuck in a traffic
jam and I heard Old Novey say "It
will be cold in the wind" yesterday.
He has a gift for putting one in the
picture. The should snap him up for
the telly and put him in a lift to
show inflation rising and falling!
Good luck with the grouting and rendering
next week. Mind you don't get a chill
in your builder's cleavage! Don't
want you laid up for Panto season!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
Ps: Is the new Katie Melua song for
Children in Need? Two Bear Feet? And
I think you need a catchy theme tune
like The Archers, so that people know
when to switch off! At the end, I
mean. Not the start!
27/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Frock-Coated Pater Familias,
What human tragedy, such sadly blighted
lives, how cloying the atmosphere
of faded gentility. No, I'm not talking
about the judges on Strictly Come
Dancing. I'm talking about Little
Dorrit, the new BBC pot boiler! Debtors
prison, family secrets, Alun Armstrong
as grotesque overacting twins and
Andy Serkis in a false French hooter.
I'm hooked! I'll be back next week!
In fact, I have expectations of securing
a position in episode 12 as Fotheringay
Ditherypants. a scrivener's runner,
lectern adjuster and purveyor of spiced
goose. It's a small part but a busy
one!! Have you noticed the trailer
for future episodes keeps intimating
that Miss Tattycoram and Miss Wade
are going to kiss? For shame, BBC,
toying with the fantasies of gentlemen
of the world like that! There's some
fine totty in Empire line frocks to
be seen and no mistake! No catchphrases
like "Shake Me Up Judy!"
have presented themselves as yet,
but there are 13 episodes to go! And
I'll thump anyone who writes in to
say Tom Courteney is playing the Chuffer
Dandridge part! Although he has got
a toke hat!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
28/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Cup Cake Cut Up,
Did I hear your Tenby Temptress mention
my old chum Les Maheygo yesterday?
He had a fine old act. He could play
stringed instruments without touching
them! He vibrated his fingers at such
a rate that he could actually make
harp and banjo strings to vibrate
in sympathy and cause the instruments
to play while standing over a foot
away! It's a good trick, especially
if you make faces at the audiance!
He was very popular with chorus girls,
who crowded the wings while he gestured,
in hope of an errant finger, and with
ladies in the front row who always
left the show wirh their hair askew
and their fillings jangled! Dame Footlights
plays a mean slide guitar, a pickin'
an' a grinnin'!
I had another chum who tried a similar
lark and tried to play an accordian
by throwing stones at the keys. Sounded
margiinally better than if he could
really play the thing! But you knew
that!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
29/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Musical Maestro,
I heard Lynn mention my old mucker
Caxton Gibbett. What a trouper. Came
on dressed as a boxer, then his seconds
brought on an accordian and he played
it by punching the daylights out of
it with boxing gloves! And do you
know, he got as good a sound out of
it as I've ever heard! I enjoyed it
so much I went back night after night!
It's a terribly difficult instrument
to play properly because even if one
seems to do it with some skill, it
still sounds like a cat being mown
down by a bicycle!
I wholeheatedly agree with that wise
pundit who wrote in to say entire
accordian bands should write in to
you to tell you how great they sound.
Anything that makes them lay aside
their instruments is a good thing!
The French love the accordian, but
then they think garlic smells nice!
I'm sorry if I upset that chap, he's
obviously an afficionado of the squeezebox.
So I'd like to pour oil on troubled
waters, then throw all the accordians
I could find in and follow them with
a lighted match!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
30/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Time Travelling Tearaway,
Sad to hear David Tennant's announced
his retirement from Doctor Who after
next year. He's great in the part.
He's the Tom Baker of the 21st century
(I am right about what century it
is, aren't I?) Hard to know who they'll
get to replace him. Ross or Brand
would have been my bet, with their
eccentric outfits, but their even
more eccentric phone manner seems
to have ruled that out! So you couldn't
put in a word for me, could you? I'd
play the part as a gamekeeper in civvies,
or a shopkeeper in skivvies, whichever
they preferred. If they insisted I
might try on a snood and clogs as
part of my costume. I have publicity
shots already done in fingerless mittens
and a sou'wester, if you think that's
any help? Unless you're thinking of
taking the part yourself? No point,
you wouldn't be as good as me. I can
whistle, for a start. And stare unnervingly
at the same time. Would it help if
I promised not to phone anyone?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
31/10/08
What
Ho Me Old Stalwart of the Stage,
I've had a falling out with my old
chum Dickie "Touch" Tingles!
He's in a mood! We were in the snug
in his club "The Mountie's Mandate"
when talk turned to what we would
each entitle our memoirs. I said I
favoured "A Small Part, but a
Busy One!" in deference to my
consumate skill at imbuing a supporting
role with significant detail (or padding
it out!). For example, if you spot
me in any old war film, on the bridge
of a minesweeper you can be sure the
style of my beard will alter 3 times
and my rank insignia will go from
commander to commodore, 2nd class
before the scene ends! So I thought
the title was apt. But Dickie wants
to use it for his memoirs too! Not
because it alludes to his skill as
an artiste, but because it brings
to mind certain personal attributes
of the man! Well I stormed out without
paying, saying to Slim the barman
"Put my drinks on his tab and
give yourself a tip, a large one and
a round of sandwiches!" I hope
that gets into Dickie's memoirs!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
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