The Chuffer Dandridge Diaries -
Chuffer's Wogan E-Mails November 2008
To view more Wogan e-mails please use the dropdown list below to chose a month
Click on the play button to hear a snippet from the show
03/11/08
What
Ho me old Father of the Marshalsea,
I saw the Little Dorrit omnibus on
the weekend. Well, I say saw, but
it was so murky it was like watching
something on the radio! All adds to
the atmosphere though. I'd like to
congratulate John Alderton on the
finest display of whiskery acting
I've seen in decades. He'll bring
whiskers back into fashion, you mark
my words! Sorry to hear you're curtailing
smut on Radio Two. It means you can't
read out my new ad for roofer's nailbags.
The company's name is Norks-Like.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
04/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Song and Dance Act,
Did I hear your Tawny Tressed Tenby
Temptress mention my old pal Holton
L'Amour yesterday? A lot of ladies
did halt when he did his act. He billed
himself as a Masher and a Marksman.
He shot purses from their willing
hands with a four shot pearl handled
Derriinger, and collected the loose
change before it hit the floor. Then
he'd burst balloons by spitting pins
at them and for a big finish he shot
the buttons off an accordian. And
do you know, nobody minded in the
least!
And did I hear Beyoncé sing
she wanted to be a boy yesterday?
Well, I can help her. She can be principal
boy in the panto I'm rehearsing. Don't
worry though. There's no smut. I won't
besmirch the name of Radio Two. Twelve
O'Clock and no sign of Dickensian
drama! See, I cleaned that up for
the Thought Police of the Press, if
they're listening.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
05/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Saucy Squibs,
What an eye watering pleasure your
fireworks display makes! Such effervescent
effulgence, such pulsating pyrotechnics,
such incandescent iridescence, whizzing,
sizzling and wooshing from the old
steam radio! Your budget for the year
must have gone on this show!? What
an exhibition! Already this morning
I've seen Nove's Knobbly Nova, Boggy's
Flaming Fizz Bombs, Barrowland's Blazing
Bullrush, Dedicoat's Pocket Rocket,
Lynn's Twinklers, Sparklers and her
Roaring Dragon (bit of Welsh Pride
there!) What a pity you've done away
with smut on your show or we could
have had some fun!! Maybe next year?
I think I also heard Terry's Thunderblast,
although that could have just been
a problem with the mic! Let off five
of your brightest fireworks for me
and call 'em Chuffer's Bright Fiver!
(you may have to explain that to anyone
who writes in!) And remember, if you're
burning a Guy tonight, put a Breton
cap on it and pretend it's me! And
do make sure your pets are safely
indoors. I'm a natural if they ever
remake Dixon of Dock Green.
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
06/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Sure Footed Showman,
Love the show! You're doing a great
job! Why don't you have an entourage
of drolls and zanys on your show like
Steve Wright In The Afternoon (It's
a long surname, isn't it? You'd think
he would have shortened it for Showbiz!)
Is your show going to suffer now that
the 'merican election news is over?
Will the news headlines be shorter,
causing your show to underrun? Could
you make up the difference by shouting
"Seven!" or does that only
work on telly? And what smashing news
to hear you'll be dancing a waltz
with Tess Daly on Children in Need.
Will you have a stiff dickie, or just
casual wear? Any word on when smut
will be allowed back onto your show?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
14/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Light Footed Leading Man,
Brilliant total for the auction during
the week! Best of luck with the show
tonight. I hope you don't mind a few
tips on the old dancing lark from
an old Pro? Keep a straight back,
tuck that bum in and smile, smile,
smile! Give 'em the full personality.
Wear your leotard shirt. And mind
your fleckles! Remember to laugh at
Brucie's jokes and when the judges
give their opinion, react as if they've
said something life-changing and profound,
because they usually think they have!
And this is the important bit: when
you're voted off remember to say it
was an "amazing journey",
a " challenge of a lifetime"
and that you and your dancing partner
are sure to remain best friends for
life! And is the Children in Need
song being sung by Scottish Gusset,
or did I mishear? Oh, McFly. Same
thing! Also, I believe you might announce
the new Doctor Who on tonight's show?
It's not me, is it? I could only play
it as a gamekeeper in civvies! Give
all of Girls Aloud a kiss for me and
keep the show going until the small
hours, it's a good cause!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
18/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Hospital Radio Ham,
Could you say a quick Get Well Soon
to my old chum Dickie "Touch"
Tingles? He's gone into hosp for the
old full body botox, in preparation
for the Panto season! His doctor likens
it to stuffing a turkey! But when
he gets out, not a wrinkle on him
and he's as taut as a newly strung
violin! Last time he had it done I
gave him a slap on the rump for good
luck and dislocated my thumb so badly
I still can't hitch lifts! But the
treatment has it's drawbacks: he can't
break wind without smiling (well,
something's got to give!) and if he
sneezes, his slippers shoot off! But
it's all worth it in the end: You
should see Dickie's Principal Boy:
thighs you could shave in and the
Demon King always sends him flowers!
So let him know we're thinking of
him and tell him not to sit on his
thermometer!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
19/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Novelty Spesh Act,
I'm fully behind the Radio 2 "Don't
Cancel Christmas " campaign.
I'm all set to do my bit! As a reknowned
exponent of the One-Man Panto down
the years, I'd like to instruct the
listeners -Hello, Listeners,- in how
to make their own Panto at home: half
the cost, none of the hassle and some
of the fun! Firstly, put a notice
in the post office window that you
intend to marry off your daughter
to a nobleman from a neighbouring
village and invite challengers for
her hand, that should get things rolling!
Then invite round a couple of the
uncles you don't talk about, the ones
who like dressing up -every family's
got 'em. They can be the ugly sisters!
Then cut up Dad's good camel hair
coat, or Auntie Flo's fur coat and
make a pantomime horse skin. If you
can get whoever's wearing it to use
a tandem in the second act, it brings
the house down! Finally keep jumping
out through the catflap as the Demon
King to involve the neighbours! If
anyone's interested they can write
in for the song sheet!
Oh, and we don't have to ask your
children if you're an embarrassing
dancer -we've all seen CiN: Strictly
by now!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
20/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Silver-tongued Sailor,
Did I hear your Seafaring Splott Siren
mention my old chum Thornaby Ontease?
He was a musical virtuoso, contortionist
and escapologist. He both escaped
from and played a trombone at the
same time! And can I add that I got
a great response to my "make
your own Panto" advice in your
Don't Cancel Christmas spot! Someone
pointed me out in the street yesterday,
so tomorrow I'll be telling listeners
at home how to make their own Dickie
"Touch" Tingles!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
21/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Velvet Voiced Veteran,
I just want to let you know you have
no further cause to panic or worry
about John Sergeant because I'm busy
putting together his next project!
It's a sit-com and it stars John Sergeant
and John Major as two knockabout manicurists...I'm
calling it "Rank and File"!
Aye Theng Yew! Be honest, it was only
a matter of time. How long do you
reckon it'll take him to get on "I'm
a Celebrity" And seeing as how
your travel spots are now the Bobbi
and Boggy Show, have Barrowlands and
you considered adopting the sobriquets
Bonny and Bossy, in order to join
in?
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
24/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Curmudgeonly Caroler,
Is it too early to congratulate you
for getting the Christmas Number One
with your single "Little Drummer
Boy"? Do you mind a little advice
for when you release the single? You
see, I've heard the album version
on your show and there seems to be
a fault on the recordiing. Little
Aled Seagoon sounds fine and hits
all the right notes, but if you listen
carefully, there seems to be a sort
of croaky echo, going "Ba Rum
Pa Pum Pum" all through it. Probably
some sound engineer having a bit of
fun. Hope you don't mind me pointing
this out. After all, I'm no stranger
to Christmas singles. Your listeners
will all recall my Christmas hits
from the 50s, "I Can't Find my
White Fiver in the Snow!" and
"I'm Only A Pantomime Turkey,
but the Audience Tells Me to Get Stuffed!"
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
ps: What's this I hear about you taking
over the Edmundo Ros Orchestra on
Saturdays? And how will the new BBC
rules on live shows affect your Christmas
programme? Will you have to pre-record?
Or will it be as live as it ever was?
25/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Loose Lipped Festive Crooner,
I just want to give you fair warning
that Dickie "Touch" Tingles
has his eye on being the fairy on
the top of the BBC Christmas tree
this year! He's already cut a hole
in the gusset of his tights to accomodate
the top of the tree and he's started
a course of what he calls his "Principal
Boy" tablets, which gives him
lovely soft skin and a beautiful contralto
singing voice! I took one of those
tablets years ago by mistake for a
beastly headache. I don't know what's
in 'em, but I was in floods of tears
when Wham broke up! I always thought
that the Ridgely chap would be the
break-out star from that combo. I
was right. Years later when we were
in Panto together, he got top billing
and played the front end of the horse!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
26/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Salty Seadog,
What are the BBC playing at? I've
just seen their new show "Survivors".
What a blatant rip off of "I'm
a Celebrity....." The Beeb show
is set in a deserted city, but it's
obviously as much a set as the "jungle"
that the "I'm a Celebrity"
crowd run around in! But I will admit
that the celebrities in "Survivors"
are much more recognisable than the
ITV mob: there's the new Doctor Who,
the lady that's in everything, the
other chap that's in everything else,
the chap that always plays the villain
and the actor that looks like Ewan
McGregor! They found chickens and
made eggs last night, so it's easily
as exciting as "I'm a Celebrity"!
And you're off on the bounding main
today? Keep your powder dry and sleep
with a dagger under your pillow. And
if things turn rough, in the words
of Torin Thatcher in "The Crimson
Pirate": "Do 'em the dirty,
Skipper!"
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
27/11/08
What
Ho Me Old Seafaring Smoothie,
Can I wish a Bon Voyage to you and
all the TOGs with you adrift in the
ocean somewhere. Keep sending up flares
and someone will find you! I remember
the last time I was on a cruise. I
was the entertainment. I did my act,
which involved a medley of Row, Row
, Row Your Boat and Stormy Weather,
a troupe of trained otters and a rubber
dinghy. It was as funny as anything
I've ever seen. I said to the stunned
audience "I'll be doing this
all week!" The strange thing
was when I woke up the next morning,
the whole boat was deserted! All the
passengers and crew had gone! Even
the otters! And they took the rubber
dinghy! I was determined to survive.
So I put myself in suspended animation
inside the ship's freezer to await
rescue. I was rescued when everyone
came back from shore leave later that
day. It made the papers. "Fool
Freezes Himself!" Maybe you saw
it? The story was later made into
a film " "The Dam Busters"
I think it was? It turns out the otters
just didn't like me and kept to themselves.
Hope you have a better trip!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
28/11/08
What
Ho and Yo Ho Ho Me Old Floating Funsters,
I couldn't help but notice yesterday
when you read out my message, that
you seemed to be near a live audience
-Hello Audience- well, I'd like to
do an experiment with them, a bit
of the old audience participation.
A little quiz in fact. I want you
to read out 3 questions. I want the
audience to wait until you've read
out all the questions and then shout
out the answers! Question 1: What
are men who repair shoes known as?
Question 2: What happens to a Turkey
at Christmas and Question 3: What
does a Binman collect? In case they're
a bit dim the answers I want them
to shout out are "Cobblers",
"Get Stuffed" and "Rubbish"!
All together now! Well now you know
the kind of audience reaction I usually
have to deal with! Anyone who said
Housewives phone numbers in answer
to question 3 is my kind of person!
I hope you all enjoy the rest of your
sea cure. As my old chum Dickie "Touch"
Tingles says "You never know
your luck on a big ship!" And
remember, never kick a pantomime horse:
it could be me!
Cheery Pip,
Chuffer Dandridge
If you want to share your thoughts on Chuffer and his friends,
or suggest other sites that we could make links to,
Click on the pictures below for links to more information on Chuffer's contemporaries.
