Ciaran's world of humour

In memory of Henry "Hard-on Harry" Brady, the king of Cavan Comedy

We all like a laugh don't we. Not only is laughter enjoyable but it's good for us. It can make us healthier. It can even help us to live longer.

This page will include jokes and funny stories that I have collected over the years. The search is ongoing, and so I hope people will send me more. As laughter doesn't respect boundaries I won't cite the source for jokes, unless contributors want me to.

There are no silly notions of taste or propriety. I am sure that many will feel some of the material to be in poor taste and I will no doubt infuriate the Holy Joes - fuck them anyhow!  I will not include any "jokes" which are racist, sexist or intolerant. These aren't funny and the people who tell them are sick and should see either a doctor or a vet.

Now I know well that some of these will offend the sanctimonious, hypocritical pricks around Bolloxville. I hope they do!

***

What do you call five hundred nuns in a warehouse?
A virgin megastore.

***

A woman goes to the doctor and during the examination she reveals that her husband has been demanding anal sex recently.
"Does it hurt you?" asks the doctor.
"Oh no" she replies
"Are you unhappy about it though?" continues the doctor.
"Not at all. I must admit I really like it now. But I just wonder, is it safe doctor?"
".. oh yes. So long as you minimise the risk of pregnancy."
"What? I didn't think that you get pregnant by taking it up the ... through anal sex?"
"Did you not? Well where do you think all the local councillors come from." answers the doctor.

***

Two winoes are discussing their decline into alcoholism.
"I well remember" begins one of them, "the first time I ever used drink as a substitute for a woman."
"What happened?" asks his friend.
"... I got me cock stuck in the neck of the bottle."

***

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

 ***

After attending the funeral of a Galway mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Mayo, one from Leitrim and one  from Sligo, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.
The Mayo mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Leitrim mouse and says,
"When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite,  and then make off with the cheese."
The Leitrim mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Mayo mouse  and replies,
"Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The Mayo mouse and the Leitrim mouse then turn to the Sligo mouse. The  Sligo mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a loud fart and says to the two,
"I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and shag the cat."

*** 

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: Apparently
these are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced?

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that Christ has risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], I might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby: after all when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart!

***

Here are two jokes that are a little "dark".

 A recently-deceased widower is being comforted by a friend.
"When did you realise that Sheila was dead?"
"Well, to be honest, it took a while. The sex was the same as usual, but I realised something was wrong when the dishes started to mount up."

*** 

A man is told that his wife is seriously ill.
"The problem is" says the doctor. "We're not sure what's wrong with her. It could be Alzheimers or it could be Aids."
"Oh my God that’s awful. And is there no way of finding out which it is?" asks the distraught husband.
"No, but there is one way you might be able to find out" counsels the doctor.
"Please tell me how doctor"
"Well, put her on a bus and if she comes back don't screw her."

***

A Roscommon boy and his father were visiting a shopping centre in the big schmoke. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by  two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and  then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What the feck is tha'?"
The father (never having seen a LIFT) responded,
" I've never seen anything like tha' in me life. I don't know what the Jasus i' is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat ugly Westmeath woman in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his goggle eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your ma…”

***

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a
man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except
to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, have big dicks, have a strong romantic streak and are great in the sack.."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.  The exit is to your left. We hope you fall down the stairs and break your neck!."

***

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.

***

In keeping with the international spirit of this site let’s start off with a joke from Romania.

***

***

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

 ***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

…Now it’s an open secret that the Vatican invests in companies manufacturing and marketing condoms, while publicly condemning artificial contraception. For that reason it has to conceal its involvement in some way, The mass traditionally ends with the command "Ite missa est" (Go in Peace), so Vatican condoms could have a slogan like "Come in peace."

***

***

***

***

***

"Ah Christ have ye got nothin’ smaller girl?" the taxi-driver responds.

 ***

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent
his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and
stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy,
what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're
mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she
asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy
Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father
replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs," The little
girl thought for a moment --
then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're
not having any of that in our garden."

***

Eveeryone knows that men from the Caucasus (Georgia, Armenia) are more passionate and are generally better lovers than Russians. The following jokes are testaments to this.

A Georgian carries his bride up to the bedroom, tears off her dress, and throws   her on to the bed. He parts her legs, jumps on top of her and starts to go into action. No matter how hard he pushes he can't enter her pussy and his cock starts to get really sore. Finally he makes it.
"Phew!" he exclaims, "I never realised you were still a virgin..."
"Virgin my arse" answers his bride. "You should have given me a chance to take my knickers off first."

***

An Armenian goes into the doctor's surgery.
The doctor asks: "OK what is it?"
The Armenian takes out his cock and says to the doctor: "Look at it doctor."
"But what's wromg with it?" repeats the doctor.
"Look at it please doctor" says the Armenian.
"I'm looking at it but what's the fucking problem with it?"
"But doctor, just look at it. Isn't it beautiful?"

***

The following joke came from Scotland.

A mother is walking in the park with her young daughter when the child spots two people having sex under a tree.
"What are they doing?" asks the inquisitive youngster.
"They're ... they're making cakes." answers the embarassed mother.
Some weeks later mother and child are touring the local zoo when they pass the monkey house where one of the orang-utangs is humping his mate.
"Mammy, mammy" asks the excited child, "what are they doing?"
"Oh ... er, they're making cakes love."
The next morning the child runs up to its mother and says coyly. "I saw you and daddy making cakes on the sofa last night ..."
"You little .. How did you know what we were doing?" asks the shocked parent.
"... because I licked some of the icing sugar off the sofa afterwards."

***

Ciaran's alternative Lirix Board

Viewers of Irish television have no doubt groaned with embarrassment and horror at the banal show called The Lyrics Board. This is fronted by Linda 'Mutton dressed up as lamb' Martin. She looks and sounds awful. In fact any bloke who fancies her ought to be sectioned under mental health legislation as a suspected necrophile. However, to be fair to Linda she has not started spouting far right-wing, neo-fascist crap like an earlier winner of the Eurovision Song contest, and many of the guys who fancy her are paedophiles.

Now I often hear, and sometimes invent, alternative lyrics for pop songs that may have been big once but are now only played by local radio stations like Radio Knight. But if you are shocked, remember that it is your dirty, filthy, smut infested minds that are at fault. Words, when all is said and done, are but collections of sounds. It is the human being who applies the signification.

Does anyone remember The Nolan Sisters hit of the early '80s 'I'm in the mood'? Well here are some alternative lyrics.

I'm in the mood
for calving,
for shiting.
I'm goin' to stay
On the throne all night.

In the '70s Leo Sayer had a hit with "You make me feel like Dancin' " Here's my version:

You make me feel like wankin'
I'm goin' to wank my balls away...'

Now songs sung by long-time crooner and spare-tyre heart-throb Joe Dolan are an amazing source of alternative lyrics. In the '70s he had a song that was actually called 'Sister Mary'.

Sister Mary
Had a Canary
Up the leg of her drawers
While she was sleeping
He was creping
Up the leg of her drawers.

    (Many commentators have felt that these lyrics were a considerable improvement on the original.)
     Joe also had a hit with a number called 'Deeper an' deeper'. This has been repackaged as the Anal Sex song.

My prick up you goes deeper an' deeper
My spunk in you swims deeper an' deeper.
When I pull out, it's all covered in ... in... sugar.
My prick up you goes deeper an' deeper.

Now way back in the '60s the Everley Brothers had a hit with 'Dream'. It's been brought bang up to date by:

Whenever I'm with you
All I seem to do
is cream.
Cream, cream, cream etc.

Then there's the Jim Reeves classic 'He'll have to go'.

Press your sweet lips
A little harder on my bone...

County Cavan has this really silly stupid saccharine song written by an American who blew in and blew out called 'My Cavan Girl So Fair'. Regular readers of my oeuvre will be familiar with the works of Cavan's Reggae poet J.P. 'Rasta' Reilly who proposed a rewriting of this song to be entitled: "My Cavan Bitch So Fit." Readers will no doubt be familiar with his cover-version of a famous W. Percy French song. "Com' on me back Paddy Railli in Ballijemsduff".

If you have alternative lyrics to a song why not drop me a line.

***

LONELY LITTLE FEMALE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell,  which by mistake happened to end up in a man's  head.  She looked around nervously, but it was all empty  and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...

 ... "We're down here ...."

***

CONFESSION

An old man enters the confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old ...
Priest: Take it easy there, in your own time...
Man: I  have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. And I like to drive around in me car...
Priest: Good for you...
Man: Yesterday, I picked up these two college girls. They were hitchhiking. They were both good-lookin' lassies. Well I asked them did they want to come back to my house for a drink. They agreed, so we went back, had a few brandies and I asked them if they wanted to come upstairs with me. Both were eager so we went up to the bedroom and had the best threesome you could imagine, and then I had sex with each of them three times. Boy did they come!
Priest : "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man : "What sins?"
Priest : "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man : "I'm not a Catholic, I'm a Protestant.
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man : "I'm telling fuckin' everybody."

BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry." says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

***

CALLER QUESTION

A famous sex therapist was on Radio Knight taking questions when a caller asked,
"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

***

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget
to zip down."

***

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor then absent mindedly places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all. Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

***

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say
that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered
open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because
instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

 She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

***

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

***

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that read £50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her
and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage
up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the
implication but then thought,

"That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new hookers."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Gene, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Gene."

***

What are Michael Jackson's favourite after-dinner sweets?
Under-eights

***

In a shattering genetic breakthrough scientists have announced they have mixed DNA from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger to produce a new human called Michael Wasanigger.

That's all for now folks -
More jokes soon.
Last week's jokes are here.

HOMO [SIC]