Ten Green Bottles...

Frequently unasked questions (FUNQS) about Ciaran

The following are extracts from an unpublished interview given by Ciaran Parker to a reporter from Which? Lunatic Asylum.

Q. When and where were you born?

A.  Country & Western music, line dancing, badly-prepared squid, undercooked meat, injections and needles in any form. I once remarked to my GP after a blood test that one might expect, after so long in Cavan, that I would have become accustomed to pricks! Maybe it's a deep-seated revulsion against the invasion of my body by foreign objects. Just as well then that I'm not a girl ...

Q.  ... and people?

A.   I hate bad-mannered individuals who feel they can act like louts because there is no one with the b... er guts to stop them. This includes the sexist, smutty-tongued racist rabble who seem to have come to the fore recently in this land. I cannot stand members of right-wing Catholic lay groups with military pretensions. Like Karl Popper I claim the right, in the name of tolerance, not to tolerate the intolerant. I also abhor people who think they know it all (you know the type: they can and will give an opinion on anything - Slovak politics? Sure; the mating habits of Siberian soft-shelled crabs? What do you wanna know?), or who believe themselves to be better than others. I cannot abide people who use violence against women. I am opposed to the death penalty because it is barbaric and inhuman, but I might make an exception with rapists, wife-beaters, arsonists and child-abusers, especially of the clerical kind. A big dislike are anti-semites, homophobes, misogynists - bigots of any or every hue. They're usually people with a heap of personal issues, and are best avoided. They are ugly. I also detest wankers - you can't open a newspaper without seeing at least one photograph of a wanker. It's disgusting.

Q.  So who's left?

A.   A heck of a lot. The aforementioned types may think they run the world but they're a pathetic minority, thankfully.

Q.  What qualifications do you have in history?

A.  (Defensively) Why do you want to know?

Q.  Just for the record.

A.  Okay. I have a PhD in medieval history from T.C.D., awarded in 1992 for a dissertation entitled: 'The Politics and Society of County Waterford in the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Centuries'. Satisfied?

Q.  Why do you not like to talk about your PhD?

A.  It's not that I don't want to talk about it. I'm proud of it and the effort that went into it. It is also the only title to which I am entitled, earned by myself and dependant on none but myself. But there are times when I feel it's an omnipresent reminder of my propensity to take the wrong path in life. I think of the wasted years. When someone dedicates so much time to a project it is nice to have something material to show for it. Five years in anyone's career is important; if they work hard and are recognised they will reap rewards like better pay, promotion, better conditions etc. But a PhD in history is a bit like having a criminal record. In Ireland you are considered over-qualified. In a redneck-dominated part of the world like Cavan it is viewed as a threat. At least I can call myself Dr Parker, but I prefer just plain old Ciaran of course. Though watch this space: I'm determined to get a peerage, a Lord-of-Appeal in Ordinary, Lord Parker of Kinnypottle, what'ye think? As for a knighthood you could stick that up your ... Knights are about as exceptional as dodgy second-hand car dealers. There was a time when you had to be a person of some stature to become a knight; now they're letting in shopboys. Also, while the Knights were fairly conservative they were morally on the level, whereas some of the new knights have colourful pasts, and allegedly very colourful presents. But I suppose this is no more than a reflection of the crisis facing the Catholic church generally in Ireland. It is sad though that what was once a great institution should have to depend on alleged arsonists and alleged adulterers for its fabric.

Q    What happens when someone calls you "Mr" Parker?

A.    If she's pretty I smile at the obvious courtesy. If they are big, fat, male, sweaty and middle-aged I grimace inwardly. I sometimes feel a bit embarassed when I'm addressed as "Dr Parker" - "do they mean me?"A friend used to call me jokingly "Bwana Daktari" and I called him "You lazy Kaffir bastard!" Last I heard of him he was commuting between Cavan and the North Pole with a stop-off at a cross-border market - Sad. But then he was qualified for his job and did it tolerably well - a fatal cocktail in Cavan.

Q.  What is your political outlook on the world?

A.  My political views, like my religious beliefs, are very strong and deep-seated. They are also inherently private and that's why I never talk about them.

Q. What are your five favourite films?

A.  Ashes and Diamonds (Andrzej Wajda, 1958), Withnail & I (Bruce Robinson, 1987), Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (Pedro Almodovar, 1988), The Double Life of Veronique (Krzysztof Kieslowski, 1991), Un Coeur en Hiver (Claude Sautet, 1992).

Q.  Do you have a favourite song from a film?

A.  It's a toss-up (not a toss-off) between 'Every Sperm is Sacred' from Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life and 'We're havin' a Gang-bang' from Rita, Sue and Bob Too.

Q.  What is your religion?

A.    I am a "lapsed" Catholic, lapsed in the sense that the Catholic church's interest in me has clearly lapsed. Obviously they believe that I cannot contribute to their funds or otherwise be a pawn in any of their nefarious designs. Yet I still believe in the Divine majesty, the Holy Trinity and the Communion of Saints.

Q. What is your personal Credo?

A.  There are some things in life which are too important to be taken seriously. I also feel strongly that we ought not to hurt one another, either physically or emotionally.

Q.  If you won a million euro what would you do?

A.  I'd buy a wankerwagon ... oops, I mean a top-of-the-range BMW. Actually I don't know what I'd do. Money doesn't play a big part in my world. One thing I could say with certainty: it wouldn't change me.

Q.  Have you thought about writing an autobiography>

A.  Well there is the soon-to-be-released video: Ciaran's Greatest Scores - both On and Off the Pitch. So much of my life has been sad, but I'd love to be able to tell the world about the magical way I met and got to know my lovely Rosie. I'm not a religious type of guy but miracles do happen - they've happened for me.

Q.  What about travel?

A.   Yeah, I'd love to, or perhaps more correctly I would have loved, to travel. There are so many parts of France that I've never been to. I'd love to go to Finland - and eastern Europe of course. My ultimate travel destination has to be Chile to see the house where Pablo Neruda wrote some of his love poetry. I have no fear of flying, but I much prefer train travel, especially First Class.

Q.  If you weren't resident in Cavan, where would you like to live?

A.  Kabul, Baghdad....

Q.  Is it really that bad?

A.  It's not 'that bad' at all. Indeed it is very nice, especially in spring and autumn. Its lanscapes contains a veritable mosaic of verdures, punctuates by the blues and greys of the many lakes mirroring the ever-changing cloudscape. This landscape is the product of thousands, often millions of years of development, yet it is nevertheless very fragile, vulnerable to "development" that does not deserve the title. Its people are warm and generous, though some are their own worst enemies, genuflecting to people who are their moral and intellectual inferiors. It could be so much better, and I don't mean in material terms. If only the people of Cavan would stand up for themselves instead of acting like sheep; if only they would look for the Highest Common Multiple, instead of searching for the Lowest Common Denominator of everything, as they have been conditioned to do; if they stopped waiting around to be shat upon one more time  - things would be better. Decency seems to be despised and increasingly ridiculed in some quarters. It's not so much a question of Low Standards in High places; it's that there are no standards in too many places and this trickles down. I hate generalities but I think it true to say there is a considerable group of people here who do not admire the artist, the thinker, the craftsman or the honest worker. No, the person they look up to is The Trick: the fellow who always prefers the whiff of sulphur and urine; who values a fiver made dishonestly over a hundred quid earned with honesty; the type who knows all the right people; who'd get Planning Permission for a Sauna in an Amazonian rain-forest or a bordello in the Vatican; the shifty malodorous get reeking of naff aftershave who becomes the big shot, surrounded by a plethora of little wannabe tricks or tricklets, who expect decent people to lie prostrate in front of them; the smarmy liar who jumps on the political bandwagon to serve his own shameful interests and who gets plum jobs for his sons, daughters, and 'The Boys' in general....

Q.  Would you like to name some of these?

A.   No, but as the Family Planning expert said to the patient: 'If the cap fits ....' You know I often think that many norms of behaviour and decency seem to go into abeyance at the county boundary.

Q.  Why don't you move then?

A.  Well, this is where I live, and property prices are crazy at the moment ...

Q.   Excuses, excuses...

A.   And, furthermore, when you only have one-twentieth normal sight in your 'good' eye, relocation isn't that easy. But I don't generally like people to know about that; they tend to make assumptions.

Q.   So, why then did you move back to Cavan?

A.   Let us just say it was a case of the wise man falling amongst thieves. I was offered a job in a bar and grill. I was a vegetarian at the time, but it was only later I discovered there was meat in the burgers, so it kind of didn't work out.

Q.  Really!

A.  The reality is slightly more painful. I was offered a job on the basis of my historical knowledge and research 'expertise'. These were exploited, or rather pillaged (though I was told what was going on). When they had got enough I was told unceremoniously that I no longer had a job.

Q.  Was any reason given?

A.  I was warned to be 'discreet', but I was told that they no longer had enough money to pay me.

Q.  Did you believe them?

A.  No. There are some people here who couldn't tell the truth to save their miserable little lives. Lying becomes a habit after a while, just like picking their noses.

Q.   And what has happened to the job since?

A.  It was subsequently given to someone without any historical qualifications - but they're welcome to that chimp.

Q.  Does this make you angry?

A.  It did, but I believe that anger is a negative, ultimately destructive emotion, so I turned the anger around and mocked mercilessly these people for their stupidity. That annoyed the hell out of them. So they are angry and I'm not. Neat.

Q. Do you have a chip on your shoulder about being disabled?

A. No, it's just one of those things like headlice. I view everyone the same way - man, woman, straight, gay, versatile, able-bodied, disabled etc. It used to piss me off big time that I was not considered for jobs because some able-bodied sage believed I wouldn't be up to doing them. And yet when I look around I see so many jobs, throughout all economic sectors, that are being done badly or not being done at all, even though a salary may well be paid. Some blokes complain of a perpetual headache that their wives or partners have. Well, there seems to be a perpetual, 9 to 5 meeting that some senior employees are always at.

Q. Aren't you afraid of being antagonistic?

A. Listen, I've been antagonistic all my life, in spite of my best efforts.

Q. Do you follow sport?

A. Yeah, big time, though I've never been able to take part. I have a long-grumbling sports injury, the result of the scrum collapsing on me playing tiddly-winks or was it Shove Ha'penny? It was Shove something. I follow cycling a lot, especially the big tours. Also Bowls and Snooker.. But I am really passionate about Darts, though I was always shite playing it, taking big lumps out of the walls. There is something so unapolegetically plebeian about Darts. You won't find any of the makers and shovers boasting of membership of the local darts club, nor are any dodgy power deals made at the ochie. I am also big into golf. I play it on a simulation on my computer. It's not the real thing, but it means I don't have to rub shoulders with members of the local club who are, in the main, such a talentless group of tossers - Experts at dealing with casual water at the 19th. I often look at them and think "Steptoe & son hit the big time".

Q.    Are you happy?

A.    I am happier now than at any time in my life. And my wonderful girlfriend Rosie is responsible for this.

Q.  Do you take yourself too seriously?

A.  You've got to be joking! I've been told that I should, and certainly I think I would be more entitled to do so than some of the humourless morons who have been blinded to such an extent by their own self-importance that they can't see how far up their back passages they've gone. No, I'm just an ordinary bloke who likes a joke, pleasant company, nice weather and pretty girls

Q.  Do you consider yourself paranoid?

A. Well, I don't want to answer that question because I'm afraid they're listening to me ... No, I'm not. The vast majority of people around here either wish me well, or they don't really give a hoot about me. But I'd be naive if I did not realise that there is a small handful who wish me anything but well.

Q.  What are the most positive traits of your personality?

A.  Ah come on! I suppose versatility and a sense of humour.

Q.  What are the most negative?

A.   Laziness and impatience.

Q.   Arrogance?

A.   Arrogant! Moi? Not at all. Arrogance offends me. I'm only arrogant with those who think they are better than I am. Such people offend me, so I like to offend them back.

Q.     Do you have any regrets?

A.    Non, Je ne regrette rien. I used to regret coming back to Cavan but not any more. I do regret having ever worked for Cavan County Museum. The people I worked with were wonderful; the people I worked for were (and are) evil bastards. I particularly regret being replaced by an egomaniacal, publicity-obsessed, clown who claimed my work and ideas as his own. I have been told that the big shot who got rid of me was really doing me a favour - a blessing in drag - he was. He certainly wasn't doing himself any favours by associating with a narcissistic baboon to whom he gave the job and whom all the little pricks felt they had to admire because he was one of the rusty circle.  

Q.  Do you ever get depressed?

A.  Frequently, especially when I haven't my Rosie by my side.

Q.  Do you ever feel that they're all out to get you, that life has dealt you a rotten hand, that you have no friends, that you're an object of scorn?

A.  I used to but not any more.

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