7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXYMORON:
1. Microsoft Works
WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY
COLLEGE
STUDENTS
> 10. Loaves and fishes replaced by pizza and chips.
> 9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced,
and written
> in a large font.
> 8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't
dorm food.
> 7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's quick E-Mail
to the
> Romans.
> 6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
> 5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not
Armageddon.
> 4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
> 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 4 years:
They
> didn't want to ask directions and look like
freshmen.
> 2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
> 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting
on the
> seventh, He would have put it off until the
night before it was
> due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Some Of The Best Excuses
If You Are Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
1."They told me at the Blood Bank this might
happen."
2."This is just a 15 minute power-nap like
they raved about in the
last Time Management course you sent me to."
3."Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid
paper."
4."I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on
the Mission Statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
5."This is one of the Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People!"
6."I was carrying out a drool resistance test
on my keyboard."
7."Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination
Exercise Plan."
(SLEEP)you learned at the last mandatory seminar
your boss made you
attend.
8."I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise
to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards
people who practice Yoga?"
9."Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
10."The coffee machine is broke...."
11."Someone must've put decaf in the wrong
pot."
12."Boy, that cold medicine I took last night
just won't wear off!"
13."Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian
rhythms of the
workaholic!"
14."Wasn't sleeping. Iwas trying to pick up
a contact lens without
using my hands."
Wisdom: from Steve Wright
>> > >Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
>> > >
>> > >Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>> > >
>> > >I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
>> > >
>> > >I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
>> > >
>> > >The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
>> > >
>> > >Im not cheap, but I am on special this week.
>> > >
>> > >I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
>> > >
>> > >I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
>> > >
>> > >If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>> > >
>> > >Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
>> > >
>> > >The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
>> > >
>> > >When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
>> > >
>> > >Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
>> > >
>> > >Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
>> > >
>> > >Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>> > >
>> > >24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
>> > >
>> > >If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
>> > >something.
>> > >
>> > >Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
>> > >
>> > >What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>> > >
>> > >I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
>> > >
>> > >Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
>> > >
>> > >How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
>> > >
>> > >Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
>> > >
>> > >Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
>> > >
>> > >Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>> > >
>> > >For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.
>> > >
>> > >Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
>> > >
>> > >Black holes are where God divided by zero.
>> > >
>> > >Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
>THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
>AGE DRINK
>
>17 beer
>25 beer
>35 vodka
>48 double vodka
>66 Maalox
>
>SEDUCTION LINE
>
>17 My parents are away for the weekend.
>25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
>35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
>48 My wife is away for the weekend.
>66 My wife is dead.
>
>FAVORITE SPORT
>
>17 sex
>25 sex
>35 sex
>48 sex
>66 thoughts of sex before napping
>
>DRUG
>
>17 pot
>25 coke
>35 realy good coke
>48 powr
>66 Ex-lax
>
>DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
>17 "tongue"
>25 "breakfast"
>35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
>48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
>66 "Got home alive."
>
>FAVORITE FANTASY
>
>17 getting to third
>25 airplane sex
>35 menage a trios
>48 taking the company public
>66 Swiss maid and a Nazi love slave
>
>HOUSE PET
>
>17 roaches
>25 stoned-out college roommate
>35 Irish setter
>48 children from first marriage
>66 dust bunnies
>
>WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>17 25
>25 35
>35 48
>48 66
>66 17
>
>IDEAL DATE
>
>17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
>25 "Split the check before we go back to my
place"
>35 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas
>48 "Just come over."
>66 "Just come over and cook."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
>AGE DRINK
>
>17 Wine Coolers
>25 White wine
>35 Red wine
>48 Dom Perignon
>66 Ensure
>
>EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
>
>17 Need to wash my hair
>25 Need to wash and condition my hair
>35 Need to color my hair
>48 Need to have Francois color my hair
>66 Need to have Francois color my wig
>
>FAVORITE SPORT
>17 shopping
>25 shopping
>35 shopping
>48 shopping
>66 shopping
>
>DRUG
>
>17 shopping
>25 shopping
>35 shopping
>48 shopping
>66 shopping
>
>DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
>17 "Burger King"
>25 "Free meal"
>35 "A diamond"
>48 "A bigger diamond"
>66 "Home Alone"
>
>FAVORITE FANTASY
>17 tall, dark, and handsome
>25 tall, dark, and handsome with money
>35 tall, dark, and handsome with money and
a brain
>48 a man with hair
>66 a man
>
>HOUSE PET
>
>17 Muffy the cat
>25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
>35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
>48 Children from first marriage and Muffy
the Cat
>66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the Cat
>
>WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>17 17
>25 25
>35 35
>48 48
>66 66
>
>IDEAL DATE
>
>17 He offers to pay
>25 He pays
>35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
>48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for
the kids
>66 He can chew breakfast